it has begun

school :(

and the first weekend? spent slaving away at work. and already have so much homework. didn't want it to start, but cant say that i want it to end.

they aren't lying

you dont know what you got, until its gone.

its a cliche...you hear it over and over. and it starts going in one ear and out the other... until it becomes relavent. and now it is. found out a little less than a week ago that ariel is moving to texas this week...again. heart broken? ya, extremely. cant believe we're going through this again. i've had my share of tears the past few days...im not sure what im gunna do with out her. i can't imagine being without her again...makes me so sad :( no graduating together, no college together. and if i ever do get to see her again, it'll prolly be after college. thats in like 5 yrs...i just don't know what im gunna do. i guess taking one day at a time is all i can do.

i'll miss you. best friends forever.

if one thing in life is true

its that time will keep going.

and it sure as hell doesnt take its time.

summer is...hate to say it...mostly over. we still have a few weeks, but im sure itll be gone before i know it. im finally able to save my money. so glad my dentist stuff is payed off. i got my biggest pay check today, $445 :) ive been working alooot its not even funny.

my bday was suuuper fun. but sad bcuz johan left :( we went to breakfast, then to the airport, then to Dorena. i love that place :) when we got back into town we got dinner and then i went out with my family. it was a good day!

i decided this summer that im not gunna go for the full IB, since im just planning on going to UofO. so, im gunnadrop bio, and just take the IB test for spanish and call it good. i just would really like my senior year to be fun and not stressful. i just dont know what i want for college yet. and frankly i dont really wanna think about it right now. senior paper? havnt even looked at it the past few months...i should get into that :/

anyways...i think im pretty content right now. summer consists of work, community service, and some free time. im super glad that i got a good head start on my community service. so i wasn't totaly hopeless this summer, i was a little productive :)

hot hot heat

DAMN. who knew eugene could get this hot. its global warming im telln ya...

the past weeks have gone fast. i dont know where to start.

today was fun. elaina ang n me went to the river then the pool. water is the cure for heat. but the river was freezing..

for my bday kyle bot me a new phone :) i'll be 17 in two days! yay!!

Taking a deep breath

i dont like being at home. i cant stand that everyone is so busy. i dont like being alone. i wish i had someone to be with when all the rest of you cant be with me. work has goten in the way for all of us. we're never alllll together. just a few of us. i hate working around my schedule, and yours. i feel very sad right now. today is my day off and im not even doing anything. sweet.

Miss you

i think you've only been gone for a week. and i dont really usually see you more than once a week. but not seeing you at all makes me sad. i want to text u! n talk to you! i miss ur cute little face :p

cant wait to see you, your in my thoughts and heart! ily :]

Reminiscing

Old memories. we're going to be Seniors. weren't we freshman just like..yesterday?? i dont know where our time went but i can't believe how fast its going. i dont want this summer to end. cuz that means responsibility. and growing up. i want to be where we are forever. ill always remember all the good times, all the bad times, all the talks, everything. its like our lives haven't even started yet. that's a scary thing because this is the only life i know right now. where would i be without all of you? absolutely no where.

last night was fun. angelas. fooood. nicks. swimming. n staying up wayyy too late talking about all the silly memories. ill miss you nick, cant wait to see you again

n kyle please come back! i miss you. i love you so much hunny :]] forever n for always <3

Soaking up the Sun

i loooove the weather. its seriously the best. yesterday we all went to some lake/waterfalls..haha. it was really pretty n cool :) i finally got tan! ish :p at the lake leaving the falls we rented a little boat thingy to put on the lake. after being completly stressed bcuz nick kept pushing and pulling people i finally was just like whateverr n got wet. the water wasnt freezing like the other place! mm yesterday was reeaally kewl n i hope we go back there :)

happy first day of July!

Summer :)

has finally begun. i love the sun! i love being outside! i love staying out late! and i loooove my friends :)

tuesday we got out. we went out for sushi, freaking delicious, then went to walmart searching for roller skates, but didnt find any...but came out with jump rope, bubbles, a frisbee, and big bouncy ball :p sooo we went to the park and played...beach vollyball? kinda..minus the sand..haha. it was fun. theeen we went to 711 n spent the rest of the night at angelas :)

yesterdayy i was determined to play badminton so i found my net and spent an hour detangling everything...twice...we went to walmart to get more rackets, picked up johan, and then went to the park. my net sucked hella, and didnt stay up for long :p we hung out there for a little n then jim had to go to work so we went to angelas. laterrr us girls went to see Up. it was a kid movie...but it was really sad..and violent..and not kidish. haha it was random...but good. after.. we grabbed tbell, picked up katy n went back to angelas. later we hung out with nick n went back to the park haha. we ran away soon enough and had another trip to walmart, then burrito boy :) then hoooome.

i like summer xD

YES!

Its June!! Who would have thought Junior year could go by so fast. theres no words to desrcibe how happy i am that it almost over. I was so scared for this year, but guess what!! its over!! n comin' out strong :)

weekends lately have been good. i feel really happy with my life. i think i just realized the reason why i am always happy...my friends are always there and they always will be. without them i wouldnt be as happy as i am. 

7 more days guys. yes! :)

i take it back

this weekend was by far one of the best ive had in sooo long. let me tell you :)

Friday i spent a couple hour with my lova before he had to go to the coast. later i met up with ang jimmy ariel and elaina. we hung out for a while then road bikes to avietas for her "bbq" haha. it was me ang elaina ariel jimmy katy johan nick avi erick annnd daniel. there we ate n just hung out. we started some scary movie but me ang and elaina didnt finish it cuuuuz we wanted to bike back to angelas before dark. ariel and elaina left a little after and then miiiichael came over! we went n picked up jimmy, then 711 for some  snacks, and then watched seven pounds. so good!! made me cry. after the movie i went hooome.

Saturday i worked a suuuuper long shift. but jimmy came n picked me up, we fixed his car and we hung out at his house waiting for michael. we just sat n hung out buuuut then got hungry so decided to make a trip to safeway.on our way back we sawsome freaks in the road! haha it was angela elaina ariel johan and nick. so we stopped by for an hour or so. good times :)  at like 2 ish we went back to jimmys and finally ate! yummm. jimmy fell asleep early, and me and michael fell asleep like an hour later. 

Sunday morning michael left and Jimmy and I went to Brails with Jitz and Hep. it was yummyy!! i had to work at 230 but when i got off jimmy picked me up and we went to Ta Ra Rin! yay for food! we ate and watched michael work :p afterrr, we all drove over to michaels. bon fire! smores! they were expensive btw..lol. so yeah we made a fire and sat around it and it felt like summer :) at like 1130 we went back into town and went to spyglass...well for like 15 minutes anyway. haha. then we started parking lot hopping. loserrrrs xD we went n layed on the turf at cal young. the stars were pretty! especialy at michaels house! camping in his backyard ferr suure this summer :D laterrr we went to angelas and watched mean girls. aka the movie that relates to everything in our daily lives. after the movie me michael and jimmy went back to jimmys and stayed up n ate until 430 ish. then sleepy time :)

Moday--today there is no school! yay!!

;)

I had an amazing weekend! friday was okay, but satueday and sunday were amazzzng :) saturday i went on a bike ride wif my love n it was all sunny and wonderful. We spent the rest of the night together and it felt like last summer. love that boy :)

Sunday we all went to the pool n got our tan on ;) im not super darker, but its a start!! im so ready for summer its crzy. i feel like schools over...but its not..which kinda blows. one month left...i think this will be the last stressful week. 

btw IB tests were so gay...math i totaly blew..and econ i rocked..too bad i answered all the questions. fml.

last weekend was Prom. it was so fun!! great night. maybe ill put some pics up later..

anywho, its Monday..boooo. time for hw..

Death Month

has begun.

dun dun dun

tests...tests...and more tests...

cant wait till June

my heart

feels whole

<3

Don't Forget

Did you forget 
That I was even alive 
Did you forget 
Everything we ever had 
Did you forget 
Did you forget 
About me 

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side 
Did you forget 
What we were feeling inside 
Now I'm left to forget 
About us 

But somewhere we went wrong 
We were once so strong 
Our love is like a song 
You can't forget it 

So now I guess 
This is where we have to stand 
Did you regret 
Ever holding my hand 
Never again 
Please don't forget 
don't forget 

We had it all 
We were just about to fall 
Even more in love 
Than we were before 
I won't forget 
I won't forget 
About us 

But somewhere we went wrong 
We were once so strong 
Our love is like a song 
You can't forget it 

Somewhere we went wrong 
We were once so strong 
Our love is like a song 
You can't forget it 
At all 

And at last 
All the pictures have been burned 
And all the past 
Is just a lesson that we've learned 
I won't forget 
Please don't forget us 

But somewhere we went wrong 
Our love is like a song 
But you won't sing along 
you've forgotten 
About us 

April showers bring May flowers

Just one last term of school :) summer sounds so sweet right now. 

i feel like all the hard stuff has yet to come in may, all the IB tests :/

but class wise, i feel like all the hard stuff is over. i cant believe junior year is almost over. it went by fast.

i have one more apointment for the root canal, and thatll be done. but what scares me is if ill have to get anything else done...im broke..

i also dont have a prom dress...and i dont even know if im going. this blows...

besides all those materialistic things, ive got alot of other worries. like my feelings. ive been okay lately. not great, not terrible. but ive become this somewhat independent person..in a bad kind of way. i feel really neglected, and ignored, and overall...extremely lonely. and no one really cares...i don't have anyone to talk to..i dont have someone who understands...its really terrible feeling like you have no one. and the fact that i did have someone, and they've become a whole other person who is tied up in their own lives. i dont feel part of you anymore. i dont feel that connection. i dont think you even realize how much you and i have changed. you say you still love me, but i think its because thats all you know how to say, and thats all you know how to feel. but i wish you'd dig deeper, and tell me the truth...because it speaks through your actions. i dont believe that you feel the same about me anymore, and i just wish youd realize and accept it, so that i can too.i still love you whole heartedly, but it hurts when im not getting the same effort put back.

Break

so glad to have a week off from school...even tho i have a lot of project stuff to do. im sad that kyle is in Mexico, and that ariel and jimmy are in seattle. but atleast me and angela have been hanging out. its been fun :)

tomorrow im going to the dentist to get a root canal :( im taking all the money i have out of my account to pay for half of it. im not sure if ill have to pay the rest..but ill be broke for a while. ive learned my lesson...

life can only get better

atleast i hope

Sigh..

Things dont just fall into place...im just always the one to do things. i hope you appreciate all the things i do. i deserve to be appreciated.

life has been pretty good the past couple weeks. lots of school/work stress but thats a given. my parents just got back from hawaii so im kinda sad that i wont have my car anymore :/ my dad is inlas vegas right now, so i have a few more days...

i took the SAT on saturday...it wasnt deathly, but pretty close.

im not exactly excited about spring break...everyones gunna be gone and im going to be here...awesome...

maybe ill do hw...hah im cool

finaly

finding the strength to do whats right for me

God please keep me srtrong

Second guessing

my feelings for you. its not those happy giddy ones anymore.

when u love someone, your willing to give up everything. put anything aside for them. and your just not.

So fast

yet so slow

i cant wait till sumer. no worries. nothing.

i wanna get out of this lifesyle of school, work, stress, repeat.

Feelin

kinda worthless.

i keep procrastinating

thats not me at all

im lazy

i just want to do things that make me happy RIGHT now

im not thinking about the future

it scares me

cuz i dont want to be like that

im stressed

im sad

i hate school

i dont want to think about all the things i have to do

all that i need to get done

BLAHHH

All my energy

you're taking all of me

i should feel loved. but i dont. my heart hurts like never before. crying is like a daily thing for me. i feel so worthless and lonely in this world and sometimes i just wish i could escape. i thought love would set me free but ive never felt so chained up. i want to stop hurting and i want to feel whole again but you took every part of me away. everything i ever knew about myself fell threw when i met you. i just want to be alone and cry. maybe it'd make me feel better. cuz no one seems to care enough.

somehow you always show me how much you DONT care.
sometimes, i just want to call it quits

Meaningless posts

there seems to be alot. but it think right now i need to let off some steam. talk about people, things, everything. i think i've been keeping it all in.

you know how much i love you. i think you use it to your advantage sometimes. your the only guy i've given everything to. i share everything with you. your my life and complete happiness. you keep me together, and you tear me apart. if there is one thing i look forward to in my day, in my week, in my life, its you. im almost scared that you made me the way i am. im scared that ive gotten too attched to you and that you are detaching yourself from me. im affraid i cling to you and im affraid that you are starting to despise it, and me. through it all you are where my feelings come from. when we arnt okay, im not okay. if some other aspect in my life is falling apart, when im with you all those worries and problems fade away. it sucks that i dont feel needed anymore, and that you've branched out to other people. i feel worthless half of the time that im not with you becuase your out with other people. i've never fealt jealousy like i have with you. ive never felt pain like i have with you. i've never felt love like i have with you. you done understand how sad it makes me when you dont pay attention to me. when you ignore that im upset, or you pretend im okay when im not. there's so many things i could say about you. as much as my heart tells me your perfect, my head tells me a whole other story. it tells me i need to stop the hurting, stop crying, stop you from tearing into every single piece of me...before its too late. but the thing is, its already to late... you invade all my thoughts. my head tells me i've goten myself into a mess by all the things i've done. but my heart seems to have all the power. i've always been able to make the right decision. but all i want is to make the decision that makes me closer to you. theres alot of things wrong with the way things are. theres alot of things right with the way things are. i wish we were closer, i wish you loved me more, i wish you would be as loyal and reliable as i am. i wish you would realize the hurt you put on me. and i wish that i felt like i have all that i deserve, becuase i know im too good to be hurt all the time. what can i say, my heart speaks louder than anything else. it wants you and only you.

on to you...my god i could say a million things to you. I MISS YOU. i miss talking to you, i miss laughing with you, i miss it all so much. i feel angry and frustrated and i just want us to be back to being close. i dont want u to replace me with someone else. i want to be your best friend. my hearts been hurting. this year has torn us out from beneath eachother. your my rock. i need you in my life, i hope you know that.

and you...i dont even know where to start with you...i dont know whether to hate you or love you. i look back on all our good times, all the times we've spent together. all the laughs...all the phone calls...and the jokes...god it makes me so confused. i thought after everything you'd be the one i could run to. you used to be that person. i dont know what happened, nor why you push yourself away from me. but it hurts to know that you are trying to stay away from me. things are so complicated with you. why cant we just be friends? things have always been complicated between us, its like the world needs us to be apart. like no one wants us to be friends. reguardless, i love you with every beat of my heart. you'll always be in my heart, and ill never forget anything. you're far to important. you;ve made such an impact on me

Hahaha

last night was the best night everrr

;)

SO GLAD I DONT HAVE TO WORK TODAY!
made for a great night.

oh, and bowling saturday night was fun too :]

Taking a deep breath

The semester is finally over. thank God! :) i have alot to look forward to.
im really glad that this past month is pretty much over. stress, all gone!

but the only thing thats got me down is one of the most important things in my life...i dont know what happened...i feel blocked out of your guy's lives.

work has been so boring...not the best thing ever...


HAPPY TEN MONTHS KYLE :]

Feeling good

this weekend has been gooood :)

friday i hung out with jimmy, then kyle, then jimmy, then ariel, then avi. jimmy got a thingy stuck in ariels hair and it was in there for like an hr, it was sad...but really funny. lol. we went to avietas after ariels house and watched t.v. i didnt get home till lik e 1:30 and had to get up for work at 7. i kind of suck...

yesterday i worked, then i went to angelas. then we went to target, then jimmy picked us up at my house. we went to angelas and chilled. played wii fit. did weird things in angelas room...and then drove to Jonny's to kidnap him. we wernt successful cuz his mom is a hater. 0_O after that we went to avietas and watched t.v. again i got home at 1 ish and had to get up for work today at 8. obviously i need sleep. good thing i dont work tomorrow. but too bad i need to get ready for my huck finn speech. fuck the world

the next two weeks will probably suck
but the new semester will be sweet :)

Okay, so it wasn't so bad

this week was hard, and a little stressful. but hey, i always stiffen up n get thru it! i got lots done and it feels good to have a weekend.

tuesday night was fun. me and jimmy went to avietas house n hung out with her michael n greg. later after i went home michael picked me n jim up n we went to Sonic. funfun :]

the rest of the week was just hw and then last night i hung out with kyle for a lil n then went to work. today im supposed to hang out with michael...but idk how to get a hold of him. plus i have to work tonight :/

so anyways, ill post later :)

Last day

of freedom
and its over :(



cant wait till spring break! :D
haha

All morning

all night

crying

what the fuck is wrong with you

To a new year

How do i start with this past year...2008...to start i guess i have to say its been a ride. a good, but bumpy one. and of course SO much has happened. but that inevitable. growing, learning, getting hurt. life happened.

January, a new relationship had been formed with someone i never knew could mean so much to me. and now we're been together for 9 months. i let go of a crush i thought was a break through for me, but really it was just a stepping stone to get me to where i am now. i thank him for the new start. he probably has no idea what he did for me, and he doesn't have to know. this month i learned alot about what i want and whats best for me.

February, a month i expected to be extraordinary like the year befores. but it was just another month of getting to know the new guy in my life. and denying what i felt. nothing new right :p We already started are trip together, but we weren't yet official. because i was scared. i tryed pushing him away, i tried running away, but the only thing that made me happy was him. so i stuck with my gut.

March, together we talked it through..my fears, his fears, and we realized what we wanted. thats when we got together .scariest, but most wonderful decision this year. i have to tell you it took guts to jump into a relationship after a disasterous one. but this guy, he reasured me he'd be different. and my God, he is different in all the right ways. this month is what i call the begining of a new life. a new life with a person i really care about.

April, there isn't much i can remember about april to be completely honest. i think it mostly consisted of school. plain and simple. school, sleep, eat and my favorite, weekends :) time i got to spend with the people i enjoy most. but then i also relized an old friend who i started to miss teribly. i needed him back in my life.

May, i believe this is a month where i became friends with someone id been friends with all through middle school and freshman year. it was more like we forgave, and tried to forget. but i cant say things ever went back to what they were, but im glad he's back in my life. he has always meant alot to me. I also remember gaining someone back who has always meant the world to me. yaya, nick. of course we were friends..but i feel like around this time we started becoming better friends. remembering what was so great about eachother. and i remember him always trying to get me to go to church with him and i wanted to, but i felt like it would be...strange...but i gave in and told him i would. for a couple of weekends i went with him and i found that i really enjoyed it. but that started hurting someone else so i stopped. it wasn't much of a big deal though. we were still great friends. and looking back, i miss him so much.

June, finally school was out. i was so excited. total freedom for 3 months. nothing could be better. at this point me and kyle were inseperable. i'd never felt like someone ever loved me as much as he did then. and it drives me crazy that i didn't see it and appreciate it. regardless, i loved spending time with him and before he left for wildhorse we dedicated most our time with eachother. the night before he left was so emotional for me. i had never been away from him. a week seemed so long. so i cried and wished that the next hours would just stop. they didnt and i eventualy went home. that was the slowest week of my life. no joke. i couldnt keep him off my mind. so when he got back, all i wanted to do was be with him. only him. i shut my friends out and focused on him. then i realized what i was doing and had to take a step back and take a look at myself. i was dedicating all myself to him, he was doing the same. where were my friends supposed to fit into my life when all i do is spend it with my boyfriend? i started trying to spend time with them but then they got sick of us two. so it was time to do my thing and for him to do his. this is when we started balancing our time. it was good for us.

July, kind of a blurr. i remember spending alot of time with nick. i think kyle was gone a lot. but this was a really fun month. and i learned to cope with kyle being gone for a little. i wasn't as...depressed when he was gone. haha :P but of course i always missed him and i looooved when he came back so i could hold him in my arms and kiss him over n over :] my birthday was great. all i can say is that i miss that day. my friends made it amazing. they are the greatest friends!!

August, CHANGE. thats what i experienced. fear, jealousy and lonliness.. maybe? i wont go into detail but this wasn't a good month for me. that 'june feeling' not here anymore. this was the first time i felt me and kyles relationship was in a little trouble. it was such a weird feeling. one i never thought id feel with him. this feeling didnt exactly grow out of me. but on a happier note, i got my lisense. way exciting for me. but still, no car, atleast not one that i was allowed to actualy have.

September, last months feelling lingered along time into school. it was weird not spending all the time with kyle like we used to. it was hurting me but idk about him. he seemed happier than ever...and thats what made me so sad. its this "switch" of our feelings that scared me so much. and i wont explain that either cuz only i can understand that. aside from my social life, i got a job. and it was a big stepping stone. to put it simply, one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

October, this where i feel the real world kicked in. all this school responsibility. totaly stressful but i began to feel on top of things. like i knew what i was doing with my life. i felt a little more together than usual. it was a great feeling. homecoming was amazing. it showed me that things usually turn out for the better. and that i always expect the worst. it was an incredibly wonderful night.

November, one word...OBAMA. history in the making :D on the other hand, this was a tough month for me, socially, and at work. but most importantly with kyle. things we're just not right. and this didn't seem to go away no matter what i did.

December, a lazy month! but also, filled with stuff. good, and bad feelings. good, and bad times. me and kyle we still trying to work out all these problems. and even when we fixed them, they kept popping up. but just for me. i was the sad one. who knows why. i couldn't stop that feeling. i was ready to get out school. and 3 snow days the last week before break felt amazing. but it left us all a little spoiled. break has been wonderful. me and kyle finally, atl least i feel, have worked things out. i've never felt stronger with him. i spent over 300 on presents. and i loved spending every cent of it on the people i love :) christmas was amazing, and i got alot of hours in at work. it was an incredibl month for apps. over 50! i just got payed tonight 350 ;) BALLA STAUS haha :p anyways, last night we celebrated New Years. such a great night. spent it with my love, angela, jimmy, ariel, elaina, katy, and tyler at angelas. her family had a huge party and it was surprisingly great. thats all i gotta say :D oh, but i was super happy that kyle spent it with me, it meant alot. all i can say is that im not ready to go back to school. but im sure i will be fine, i always am :)

new years resolution? geez, still gotta think about that one.