Finals

i am SO glad they are over!! oh my goodness..i got 80/100 on my math final...pretty good i guess ;p haha. and im really hoping to end up with an A in chem...but i doubt it, extremely. but in general, today sucked massive balls. im glad its over.

all ive been doing today is watching the janice dickenson modeling angency show. its pretty good and entertaining :]] me and angela and jimmy also decided to start watching lost so we began with that first episode..its alright, nothing great.

now im sitn in angelas room...i wanted to go home but i have no ride. sadness...oh well :) im really hungry...i despretly need food! i havnt eaten much today....

yay for a four day weekend and starting new classes! im excited to hang out with jimmy and kyle tomorrow : )

thats all!

Just One More Day

and life will be good :D finals are killing me...i have probably spent 10 hrs studying..its so stressful. i took the first part of my chem final today...and i got 19/30 not too bad...i guess hah. but i was super excited when i realized i have a 88.1 in the class :] so im really hoping i do super good on tomorrows part two of the test so i can MAYBE end up with an A. id be the happiest kid alive...im mostly freaking out over my math final tho...its 20% of my over all grade...its gunna suck...bahh i dont wanna take it!! oh and not to mention i have to write an essay in 3rd tomorrow...God help me...

aside from my extremely stressful school crap, i've been a happy camper :] things are good. very good actually. i.am.happyyy.

so i totaly had things to say before i started writing. ughh lame.

uhh..there's a 4 day weekend...im excited...and i can't wait for my new, 'not so hard' classes. get rocked ; )

oh, and eff the weather. and 4j whom makes us go to school at normal times!! ghetto beezys...

kay, night : )

M00d Swingzz

kay, so i was very disappointed that there was school. and NO delay either...i was expecting at least a delay. but watev...school was aightt...it lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders knowing my chem review wasn't hw n we didn't have to turn it in. oh and also that my adv. alg. ch 10 test was canceled :]] so first and second were a relief. 3rd pd sucked as usual. we had to write a whole outline and my teacher was being incredibly ridiculous about everything...like always...but i got it done. thank God. i can't believe we had v & b AGAIN. lucky bastards who haven't had it for the past like week! ugh it makes me so mad! that class is getting on my last nerve >:|

once school was out i decided to not go home cuz i didn't have hw besides studying n i thought i could study my chem. with kyle : ) i suppose we got a little bit done...but for some reason, we all had the giggles...or extremely bad case of the " i can't stop laughing's" bahaha :p i dont think i have laughed that hard in my life. my stomach hurt so bad...i was to point where i was at tears. and nothing was really that funny...so i don't know what was up with us...or me for that matter. but can't lie, i had a lot of fun. i love those kids ;)

but wait! thats not all...it totally started snowing! we were all giddy and excited thinking "no school tomorrow!! no finals! woo hoo!!" hah dream on :p it only lasted for like an hour unfortunately...it was totally sticking and everything too...but of course, we'll probably have to go to school all normal n stuff again tomorrow...least i got a free 4th :D for the first time in forever i might add...

so yeah the past like 2 hours i dedicated to studying for my chem. final. it sucked. i read over like 5 billion pages of notes and old work sheets..ugh...im so tired now. i hope i do good tomorrow :/

Unbelievable

no school...no worries :) im praying for another snow day. i'd probably die of happiness...there's nothing i want more than to miss some stupid tests...

today was so unbelievably good. i woke up early and felt so...fresh :)) i hung out with elaina, ang, jimmy and kyle. we watched a couple movies and then just chilled. it was one of the best days i've had for a while...but i'll keep the details to myself ;)

i have come to realize that im not one of those people who are afraid to get things done. that if i want something i'll probably just go for it because i used to be that person too scared because of the feeling of rejection. but i've become something so different than that. and i like it.

as of now, im feelin pretty anxious...not sure if my teachers are going to follow through with everything as planned..i really hope not. and i'm also feeling this thing called anticipation...as in i can't wait to see what happens. babyyy give me watchu got ;)

i was looking though an old journal i used to keep on my page..

"A good relationship means getting through hard times, fighting every once in a while, getting hurt a little along the way, and learning to love the persons flaws. to me, loving someone means wanting to be with that person every minute of your life. not being able to get them off your mind. putting your all into making them happy. never forgetting to let them know how much they mean to you. that's something he'll have to learn. he just doesn't get that its not going to be perfect ALL the time, but the best part is making up cuz then everything is so good. you have to get a hurt a couple times. love doesn't come easy. its something you have to work at, build up...nothing thats worth it ever comes easy. and sometimes it may feel like the only way of fixing things is giving up, but that just proves you're weak. love isn't for the faint of heart."

hmm :)

well my relaxation has ended..i gotta do my v&b hw! shit!

Cross Your Fingers

and pray for snowwww :]] ahh i'd kill for a snow day and not have to go to school! today was so cool...i hope we miss finals and not have to do them...baha keep dreamin..

i def still gotta study hardcore for those...mm i didn't have much hw...its not like i did the math i was assigned anyway...its so damn hard i hate it! but watev only 4 days of the class left :o

anyone wanna bring me candy? or hawaiin time? massive craving for it...not so sure candy is the best thing for me right now tho...had an ass load last night. but its what i do :]]

well thats all for tonight. just thot i'd post again today cuz i missed a day this past week. just trying to keep caught up :p

night :)


GET DISSED!! Update needed..
NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!! :]]

Snow!

Holy cow :p kay so i was just layin in angelas bed this morning like half asleep...and then i get a text from kyle saying "look outside" so i dashed over Angela waking her up, gave her a 'check this out' smile ;) and then opened the blinds. SNOW! she jumped out of bed and seriously just ran around her house and screamed..everyone was pissed but i found it entertaining. bahaha. it was exciting.

so jimmy showed up randomly and then we went outside n well...you know. we made a huge snow man and tye dyed it :D hehe it was sweet. mm we were outside for like an hour er so but then got hungry and came in. now we're watching 'game plan' again. me and Angela watched it last night.

speaking of last night...i came over to angelas about 8 from Kyle's and we sat n ate and well, watched the movie...i fell asleep at like at 1 cuz i was real tired..and yeah. yesterday was good :]]

mm im really happy. like really...lifes good :)

Horay For Sleep!

Wow, i went to bed at 9 last night :]] it felt really good to be able to lay down and forget about everything. knowing you don't have school the next day has to be the best feeling. the thing is, even though i went to bed really early i still got up at 10:30...whats that...like, 13 hrs? bahaha :D well i feel really refreshed and so much better than i've been feeling all week. i can actually function!

my dad started talking to me about Audrey Hepburn like 10 min ago, and even though this sounds so lame, its cool to have a conversation about something you know alot about :) and he seemed really interested in the project for the great minds we just did...he rarely ever talks to me about school stuff. i love it when he makes good conversation with me...i feel 'intellectual' hehe

im making croissants right now..and my dad is making bacon :]] im excited to eat it. nummmy. i hope i don't get hungry today. i always seem to not eat then get massive stomach pains the whole day. i never seem to learn...but it is actually the worst feeling...it just doesn't go away...

mm, so im in a good mood. just thot i'd put that out there...and the reason im writing a blog now is cuz i'll prolly be out all night and not be able to post. wherdo :)

Going Nuts

it's coming back...seriously, i thought this was gone. why is it that just one thing can change my mind for the millionth time. im tired of it! i was ready to start over. forget everything. all this gets me is disappointment. so disappointing...i never had it, at least it never seemed i did...but it makes me want all of it more and more. i was hooked from the beginning...and you know it. i just want this to end. i can't keep going back and forth. this is too good, and i can tell you know what you're doing. my God, take this feeling away...i don't need this :(

i feel really useless right now. its probably from my extreme lack of sleep. staying up till 2 am and then getting up at 6 doesn't do you any good. and then having to go to school yet again with 4 classes. every class dragged on. i'v been tired all day. i've been pissy, and all i want is to lay down and sleep. but i want someone to lay with me and talk. lately i've felt an extreme need for a nice nap with someone. nothing weird..

now that im done complaining...after school me ariel angela jimmy and elaina went to Chuck E Cheese. i felt two, but it was a lot of fun :) i owned at the spiny wheel thingy..totaly won a bunch of ice creams and the bonus 100 tickets :D bahaha it was intense. i hope we do that again cuz it was much more fun than i had expected. i judge things to much..

i think im almost to the point where i can't function normal anymore.

damn those guilty pleasures. they screw us all over

thats all :)

Damn It!!

So im really retarded. i could not figure this thing out last night. hence, the lack of a blog. but i got it now so its all good :)

YESTERDAY...wow bad day. so i came to chemistry, my lab inquiry was due and that was jsut stress enough... come to find out my data book is due! so im rushing to finish that up and then cory tells me there is a quiz! im like "what the hell??" so i bombed it...5 out of 10. but nothing new since i suck i at chemistry...ugh too many surprises for one period...then came second and we got life 5 hundred problems to do for hw cuz we went to watch the teaser..which wasn't very good. i was so bored. third came along and i had to do an Othello skit...i had planned on just wearing some leggings (spandex) but then when it came down to it, i felt really uncomfertable wearing just that...so i talked to mrs. hammons...and she made me do it for extra "costume points" ghetto beezy :p so that went okay i suppose but i didnt fully answer the ending question she gave me..hopefully i still got a good grade. fourth wasn't too bad...just as boring as it usualy is. but then 9 o'clock came around and i stilll had no idea wat to wear for my costume for today and i didnt have an artifact. i was freaking out. but i figured that out too..eventually..

and that brings us to TODAY :) bettter..i suppose..i woke up a little early to get a well..early start. i got dropped off at angelas to see if the skirt would work. and it did (thank God) and then we got to school about 20 till class started. p 1 and 2 were okay. i was happy we had advisory. its always nice have an extra 40 min to sit...our great minds meeting took up 3rd and 4th. it wasn't boring, but it wasn't really fun. my neck hurt by the end...and are skit was kind of embarrassing..oh well.

mmm..now that i've got out all those exciting things that have happened...lets see what else there is to say...uhmmm...im really excited for the new semester...but i've probably said that about 1o times.

me and nick decided that these are cute
1) getting kissed on the forehead
2) kissing someone, then them coming back in for another...and then another

the first one was my idea. and his was the second. but i agree mucho :]] it gives me butterfly's just thinking about it...i want that sosososo bad. but im not exactly dying for a relationship. dont know why....but i still feel like i need to grow up a little. maybe im still to unready for all that stuff that comes along with just mutual feelings. who knows..

Keepin it G

G-unitttt ;) bahaha. idk..

i feel very happy this week. minus how i just spent like 5 hours on a chem. lab thingy. oh well im done now :) im a a bit nervous for my Othello play in lit tomorrow...but kinda excited to dress up as Audrey Hepburn on thurs..she has actually become one of my role models...i admire her alot. But lets not talk about school.

I like my stand point. Thinking about it puts a smile on my face. Im glad i was able to find this feeling. i hope it stays cuz it's nice. i don't really have a ton to say tonight...really tired.

my parents are out of town. and i want someone to chiiil with. come over? please? :p i'd enjoy some company...

i found out some stuff last night and it made me see him in a different way. im not sure if it's to the point where it bothers me though...was he even being truthful?? who knows. but i'd sure like to not see that side of him.

im done. so short. but its all good.

Making Up

for that missed day..yes, its that important..

lets see, i want some sexy abs. knamean? ;)

anywho..

congrats for me who decided to share this with you..yay funny ppl :]]
V

read.laugh.and enjoy! maybe you've heard em' before, but id like to look back on this one day and remember what wonderful laughter this brought me :) a keepsake i suppose.


"One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man…'

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

"I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'"

"I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'"

"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille."

"I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don't have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius."

"I heard this lady say "I love kids." That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying "I like people, for a little while." "How old are you? 14? Fuck off!" You can say "I love kids" as a general statement, that's fine. It's when you get specific that you get in to trouble. "I love twelve-year-olds."

Enlightened

I feel so good..complete..happy. I don't think things could get any better. I started out this school year sad...wanting more...thinking i couldn't ever feel like things were okay again. that i was stuck. i guess it just took a couple things to happen, and for me to realize that life is so good right now. i couldn't ask for more.

i love these kind of mornings where i just sit here and it occurs to me that im lucky. im lucky to have these people in my life. to love and be loved. this kind of happiness is almost unexplainable.

this feeling...you know its real when you find yourself smiling to yourself. you know its real when you realize you don't need a boyfriend to be your pedestal anymore. you know its real when you feel like you are now on solid ground. you know its real when you come home you still feel happy. you know its real when its always on your mind. you know its real when he doesn't have to say it, and you don't either cuz you just know its there. it's something that's better left unsaid.

happiness found me. i didn't find it. it came when i finally decided to let go and let God decide what was next. thanks for showing me that i am stronger than i seem to be sometimes. thanks for helping me forget such heartache. you saved me from myself.

"These Are The Moments" -Edwin McCain
Lying here with you,
Listening to the rain.
Smiling just to see,
The smile upon your face.

And these are the moments,
I thank God that I'm alive.
And these are the moments,
I'll remember all my life.
I've found all I've Waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

Looking in your eyes,
Seeing all I need.
Everything you are,
Is everything to me.

And these are the moments,
I know heaven must exist.
And these are the moments,
I know all I need is this,
I have all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could ask for more than this time with you.
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I've had's come true.
Right here in this moment,
Is right where that I meant to be.
Ohh here with you, here with me.

I could not ask for more than the love you give me,
Cause it's all I've waited for.
And I could not ask for more.

Yesterday and Today

So i missed a day. damn, oh well.

mm well yesterday was fun :) i enjoyed it a lot. i met up with nick at his house and he made me food. it was aiight ;) me n ariel hung out for the first time in so long and it was really nice. me her and nick went to kyle's and we did what we usualy do. nothing to special. but it was a really good day. me and ariel left like at 9 ish n went to her house. we sat and ate with her sisters and it was one of the most entertaining conversations i've had in a while. they're really cute n funny :p

we went to bed pretty early, i really could not keep my eyes open starting at like 10..sadness..hehe. but i text kyle till i fell asleep then woke at like 4 in the morning and saw that he had text me twice. oopsies! i woke up around like 10 and sat and read a magazine until ariel woke up. and she didn't for about an hour.

but to sum up everything b4 we left her house, we sat, talked, and made breakfast. real exciting..hehe.. but i actually had a really good time being with her. i miss spending time with my best friend :]] we left her house like at 4 and went to goodwill...found nothing and then sat at Market of Choice for like an hour. super fun ;) we finally left and she went to meet up with billy and i met up with angela.

me and angela went to eat at burrito boy and then went to old navy, then came back to her house and watched Juno and I am Legend. Both pretty good...but i liked Juno more...it was more the romantic type which i prefer :) it was actually really cute...at the end when Blake..? i think? i cant remember his name for some reason...but when he layed in the hospital bed with her and just held her...it made my heart melt..like unbearably...it made me want that so bad :( not to metion his incredible cute face that me and angela were drooling over... :D def. a good movie. but I am legend on the other hand, not one of my favorites. i felt no emotion while watching it. kind of lame..

now im home...needing to call kyle back btw...which i will soon i promise :]] and im dreding tomorrow becuase i have to work on a project. ughh and then school tues. i have a feeling i am headed for a week of stress..oh joy. once again a boring blog but im half asleep. it'll have to do.

sweet dreams :)

Living For Now

Here's to tonight.. cuz i realized, i don't give a damn! to hell with thinking everything over, analyzing everything before i say and do. i mean screw it, i just want to have fun. all i want is to be happy. and im willing to do whatever it takes to be happy.

im just going for it. i won't be afraid. i won't hold back. i have decided to love the things i do and enjoy every second of this "mess" im making. i don't feel like i have to worry because im doing what makes me feel good and that all that matters..sorry if you don't find that appealing..but really, there's nothing to worry about. mistakes are okay with me...you don't learn unless you make them. but for real, i know what im doing.

truthfully, i have lived so long wondering "what if?" but im tired of that. im tired of the same ol' same. IM GOING TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. and i'd really appreciate it if you let me do that. thanks :) oh, and feel free to contribute...

but back to the real world instead of my thoughts.. i loved tonight so much. it was really perfect. i feel a connection and it comes back every time we're together. it is so stress free...and good :) its making me feel relaxed...and that what i need most right now. i love my friends. they are the most wonderful people out there. i don't care what you have to say because truly, i have never found anyone else more fun and amazing to be around. i couldn't live with out them. i'd spend every minute of my life with them if i could. i'd probably be jealous if i were you ;)

but tonights over. im excited for tomorrow. im ready! im ready!

Another Day

So today was defiantly a good day :D minus the two tests, that i for sure failed, i was very happy go lucky about things

Im really glad tomorrow is friday. wata long week..but not too shabby :)

today me and kyle somehow got on the subject of what we want to do when we're older. prolly cuz i mentioned that my dad told my older brother that it was a waist of time going to college :) bahaha. anywho...i actually would really like to own my own business! i think it'd be pretty fun and you'd have other people do the work for you. eh, eh?! so even though i really don't want to go to college, i suppose i will just for the sake of being smart and probably major in business. but im sure you all care :)

ohoh and my mommy said i looked tall when i walked in the door after school. i laughed at her because im shorter than most everyone i know. but kyle rasurred me thats it's okay cuz atleast i can "get low" haha freak! lolz just kidding. but really, being short is better than being extremely tall! (just trying to look on the bright side)

im really craving candy tonight..go buy me some?

right now im sitting in my living room with my parents and they are watching Oprah. nothing wrong with that right? no...if they weren't talking about viagra for women and pleasuring yourself! i would leave the room but here i am doing this. and my mom keeps saying "yeah!" its like okay cool please do not say anything its weird enough having to sit through it with you...maybe it wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't here to. anyways, i just realized how me and my parents never talk about anything. my mom just randomly asks me if some guy is my boyfriend. i was commenting kyles pic like 10 min ago and she goes "is that your bf?!" uh yeah ask me that one more time! come on mom :) lolz

im really sorry if you read my blogs and think im the most boring person...its hard to keep it interesting on weekdays cuz all i do is go to school and come home. just know it probably won't be anything good unless something exciting happens.

im tired. i don't sleep anymore. i kind of want to go lay down...someone keeps texting me and i have no clue who it is and they wont tell me. eff them man.

but im done...

New Hair!

exciting right? :D hehe. it is for me. i havn't had one since may last yearrr. anyways, i like it. hope u do too...

i kind of liked today...i actually liked it a lot. first period was just fun and games. not really, but me and cory couldn't stop laughing :p wata mornin hehe. the only bad thing is that we really didn't get anything done and now we have to come in tomorrow morning..ugh.

i have 2 tests tomorrow. im not ready for either. i imagine that it will suck...massive...but watevr i'll get over it...i hope my grades stay good till the end of the semester...oh and does anyone know which i should take: biology or physics?? major delema...

hey, guess what guys!! i wore pants today! bahah, sorry it still gets me :p

mm i have nothing good to say tonight...im supposed to be doing homework right now. oh well im kind of lazy.

im really excited for the 3 day weekend :]]

kay night!

Wait, what?

Hold up just a second. I need some time to reflect. How come when you talk to me lately..i don't get the same butterfly's? Why is it that the excitement is no longer there? Show me again, cuz i forgot. Why did i like you, and when did it just stop...wait, did it? oh my god...maybe its just "one of those days" i don't even know. Why is it that when i look at you im not nervous? Why can i all of a sudden slip a smile to you...What happened to to that mess you made me...

I kind of think this feeling will pass. It's probably just some silly mood swing that will pass later tonight. Uhmm...yeah i'm kind of looking for someone to bring some excitement back in my life...for a while its been pretty dull...school isn't the most enjoyable thing and not much is motivating me. i need some inspiration

i miss writing poems. i still write them every now and then...but wayyy less than i used to. maybe i have a lack of things to say. oh, please who am i kidding..i have a million things to say :p blahh im so lazy.

I really want school to be out. I want summer ferr reaaal. i need sun! people were being very annoying today.."arent you cold?!" what the hell do you think! i was freakin wearing shorts. sorry it got irritating after a while. i really do miss summer clothes tho...and my tan...im so pale now =/

lately, i've had this thing for secrets...i have so many. its getting annoying. i just want everyone to get along...

the only thing i can really look forward to this year is getting my license. but that's not till probably august. i need to start driving! ughh it will make things ten times better, funner, and easier :]] but to those who get theirs b4 me...feel free to give me a ride sometime lolz

uh im out of anything interesting to say...this week is dragging on. this weekend shall be fun...and i will probably post tomorrow :)

Here's To My Day

Cool, you sucked.

I was okay last night, really i was fine. i had actually been looking forward to today the whole weekend. but for some reason i walked into school and ended up in by far one of the worst moods i had ever been in. i mean what the hell? there is nothing that sounded worse than being at school. i felt so overwhelmed like everything was falling apart and that i was falling behind in everything. the feeling is so indescribable...everything everyone said made me want to kick them..and im being totally honest. i was taking it out on everyone (sorry by the way) but to you who made me feel this...thanks alot...you piss me off. i hope one day you realize that the things you say affect people. weather you want them to hear it or not. i really can't believe you. i dont see you the same. i freaking wish i had never got involved with you. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. thats all i have to say.

on a happier note, i guess that horrible feeling i had in the morning kind of rubbed off through out the day but thinking about it is really irritating. but i have to say that a few people really made my day :) they probably don't know who they are but its nice to have those kind of random people to put a smile on your face. those kind of people get me through the day. ferr real

and i know i cant stop talking about this but Its funny how the moment you spoke to me, I fell. HARD. It just upsets me that you don't talk to me anymore. And I feel weird having feelings like these for someone I barley know. Seriously, you have this incredible charm that keeps me almost..addicted. You're so cute, and bubbly, and even though you don't come off as it, i can tell by the little time i have spent with you. I see a lot of potential in you. And even though we are two whole different people who like completely different things i'm positive we could become really close :) I wish we could hang out more..or even at all..but im always doing things with my friends and never get the courage to ask. you don't know how incredibly long these feelings have been with me. and though i couldn't officially call us friends, i'd really like you to know that i'm happy to have met you. but for tonight, i guess i'll stop here.

i hope this year gets better. its been so incredibly lame and sad and depressing. blahh.
I'd also like to point out that i no longer like men...im lesbian :)
hehe

oh and i have unlimited text now
sooo text me :D
541-912-2475

My Weekend

this weekend was disappointing. its funny how after something so little, you can see someone so differently. i told you people let me down, over and over again. when is it going to stop? probably never.

last night was actually really fun though. i love being with my loves Angela and Elaina. they make me so happy.

best encounter at the gas station! so we went to jacksons to get some drinks n kyle n ang got outta the car while me lonnie n yvonne stayed in and just..well..sat. haha. welll there was this guy who just decided to sit n smoke right in front of our car. it was really awkward cuz we couldn't like look straight and so we were just talking about him for like 3 minutes and eventually yvonne felt super awkward so she just put her head down and im like "he is totaly staring at you!!" and she's like "hah really?!" and im just going on forever about him and telling her his ever move and how he was like closing his eyes... prolly cuz he knew we were talking and laughing at him...and then yvonne realized the window was rolled down! we started laughing histaricly and hiding behind the seats...how embarrassing right?! so we're just giggling thinking wth we're idiots...and then ang and kyle finally come out and im just waiting for them to get in. kyle shuts his door and for some idiotic reason im like "kay cool i can talk now!" so im telling them the story..more like yelling.. and then we all realize angelas door is still open! then we drove off laughing feeling like complete losers :) muahaha i love those kind of moments

anyways..we just sat at angelas like usual. even though it seems boring i love doing it. alot. i don't think anyone can make me laugh has much as them. though, we had planned a super exciting eventful night with someone we usually dont hang out with, it ended up normal as hell. but its all good. not like i would have had the guts to do what i actually wanted to do. blahh ima loser.

it was a long night. angelas friend brought over her REALLY cute friend, whom looked completely like Chris brown! and we all just like drooled..massive. he was srsly to die for. DAMN! wish i coulda like talked to him er sumfin :]] hehe.

mm after kyle left we cheeled n talked..mostly about weird stuff..but thats what we do..bahaha. we didn't go to bed till like 4 or later and i got some sucky sleep. it was really cold. elaina would know a lil something a bout that :p haha...oh, and pretty weird dream..but i dont feel like sharing lolz

today was normal. cold, but pretty. and i felt freakin gross all day. didn't shower er anything. haha oh well...i felt like i looked like a disaster, but thats probably becuase i did...

im kind of at a loss of words. due to that that in a matter of one night...so much has changed. frankly, im kind of pissed. i wish i could...well, never mind.

so this guy? i dont really talk to him and i just wish he actually wanted to..well..get to know me or something! im so tired of waiting around wondering. ugh make this easier!! i just wish he would like me =[[ time shall tell? ehh prolly not.

i think im done for the night..school tomorrow =/ def. didn't do all my homework yet.

How It Feels

this might be emotional. deal.

Do you know what it feels like to be completely and utterly stuck? For the past few months thats all i've been feeling. Why has it been so long since I've had a relationship? i think maybe I'm scared, or maybe i'm not ready. Scared because i don't think i could handle getting hurt again. Scared because i don't want to put myself through that. I don't think I'm ready to commit again. I've been so...free. for so long. I'm not sure if i want to feel that obligation again. Or will it not be like that?

Maybe I've changed...maybe I'm not that same 14 year old who is unsure of how to act with a boyfriend..but maybe i haven't and i'm still unable to feel comfortable.

I feel like there is nothing in this world worth countless sleepless nights, invaded thoughts, annoying memories, or a broken heart. Not even the "love" we think we find in someone at this age. are we just setting ourselves up for heart ache? maybe so.

i used to be optimistic about this kind of thing. i used to say that even though we are young, feelings happen and you can't stop them. that if they are there they were meant to be. i used to say "why miss out on something good?" now im questioning my own thoughts. should we put ourselves in positions like these?

if i even wanted to have a relationship with someone, would they want the same things as me? Would i have to sacrifice my morals and beliefs to keep them happy? or would they respect every piece and part of me and not expect me to change?

i want someone who simply believes what i do..so its not complicated. but then again, not many people are like me. i don't need sex to call a relationship real, or even meaningful. i won't give that to you. i want someone who respects that.

im not sure quite yet if im looking for something serious, or something simply.. fun and spontaneous. and i dont mean that as "mess around" cuz im not here for that. i suppose i'm leaning towards the serious factor. but i don't want to give up everything else for them. i want to be with my friends, i want to have a life other than them. not selfish, i just have my priorities. but i also want it to be fun. i want someone im completely me around. someone i'll actually feel okay talking to. i still want those nervous feelings but i want them to be able to cure that when im around them. i want them to know exactly what to say and do. i'm looking for perfection...i want someone who is a mess. i want to be their foundation. i want to feel like i complete them. i want mutual feelings. i dont want to have to wonder if they feel what i feel. i just want something real. something i can hold on to. count on. someone i can run to.

im waiting for that perfect moment. when i find the guy who doesn't play with my feelings. who doesn't see me as an object. but a living breathing human being that has feelings. i want to feel loved. i want a reason to get out of bed in the morning. i want something that makes everything a thousand times better. im looking for something new.

to finish this up a little..."be the one i'm waiting for"
:)

Things Don't Just Happen

so i had a conversation recently with one of my good friends. [ nick ;)) ] we were on the relationship topic..as always...and i was talking about this guy and how i don't want to just give up. he told me i shouldn't have to make things happen, and that they will happen by themselves. but i really disagreed. i mean come on, you aren't going to get anywhere in life if you sit aside and just watch. The wind will blow, the seasons will change, but if you want to get a guy/girl, you can't just sit around. you gotta do something, there has to be effort, you have to try.

for example;;GUYS, uhh yeah if you've got your eye on this girl im telln ya now that if you don't make the move, most likely she wont either. HI YOUR THE GUY. man up and do what you gotta do. coming from a girl, i really don't feel like doing anything anymore..unless you do it first. its lame, and i insecurity is really unattractive (not that over confidence is attractive either) so here's the deal for those guys out there, if you want me? come get me. you're not gunna get me any other way. sorry, but i'm done doing everything.

but don't think i'll stop trying till i know there's no hope anymore. i have this thing where i really don't know when to just let go...its kind of a curse but chu know...i know i sound a little bit crazy, considering that I've been lacking any sort of love life since like april of last year. maybe i'm doing something wrong? oh yeah, i don't talk! gosh so freaking hopeless >:|

mm so yeah, point is...nothing comes easy, you gotta work for it. if you really want something you'll do everything in your power to get it. and babe thats what im doiiing :))

geez Rayven,
be a little more cliche lolz
this blog was lame, sorry very hungry :p

goodnight

A Whole Lotta Nothin'

People really irritate me. I completely despise people who just feel like being nice to your face, but a complete asshole when your not around. i mean seriously! there are a few people i actually really used to be fond of, but now they annoy the hell out of me. just grow up okay? no one likes the way you are. oh, and i'd like to add that even though you try to fit in, you lack any chance of actually doing it.

School sucks. Tonight the stress kicked in..i really didn't have THAT much homework..but i just couldn't get it done with out stopping every five seconds to think about how boring and pointless it was. i'd like to meet a teacher who actually had a little bit of sympathy for those who don't like to spend 4 hours on homework every night. i hope you realize that you only get to live once..what the hell are we doing spending it on this crap? sorry, i just really think we could be doing more enjoyable things..but i know "education is important and is good in the long run" blah blah blah. im tired of it.

I realized today that people disappoint me a lot. Weather its the guy i like, a family member, a friend, or just maybe someone i look up to. I mean really...i get my hopes up so much. i think people to be so much better than they actually are. i have this weird thing where i believe that certain people would never do things..especially to hurt me..but people always end up doing that. am i just a push over? probably. ughh some things id just like to change

LIKE the fact that i suck at talking. like not talking but my lack of confidence and well, spontaneousness? if i could have one quality, it would be to be outgoing. its really irritating to be shy and akward. my whole life I've just been that girl who doesn't talk...with the exception to the friends i some how made..don't know how i did that by the way..anyways, if anyone knows a good way to stop this stupid bad habit of mine (not speaking) tell me. I'd really like to see a change in the way i am around people. but if that can't happen than i just wish people would talk to me. god sometimes i feel so lame! hah

oh, and one more thing, i hope you know im patiently waiting for you. its hard, but im doing it. people think i'm wasting my time but i don't care because i'll do whatever it takes. these feelings have stuck with me for too long to give up. and even though im not good at this kind of thing, you're worth the trouble. you'd probably think i was crazy if you knew this was about you.
oh well :)


Anybody else ready for summer? :p

A New Year

Finally right? 07 was probably one of the most complicated years. I decided to make a blog of my year..basically just something that i can look back on. But first, this is a summary of the past year..

Beginning of 07 i had just re started a relationship i'd broke off a little bit before. It felt like a good time to get back in the swing..but really, i was just confused. And if feel bad for choosing to do what i did because it only hurt someone i really cared about..or at least someone who once meant so much to me. We had been dating about 7 months before and i guess i felt that i couldn't give up. but i just should have.

I ended up liking one of my best friends, and so im not sure what made me want to still try with a relationship that hadn't been what i wanted it to be for a while. The feelings really just died, and i was probably just trying to save it..it didn't work. Truth? You don't get over someone till someone else comes along, and thats what happened. oh boy, did it ever. i fell head over heals. no exaggerations.

That new relationship didn't last as long as i was hoping though. it actually didn't last long at all. and that was probably the most heart breaking moments i have encountered. It ended up just ruining a friendship with someone i loved so much. if i had to describe the last year, this is the reason why it was so...not great. it was cuz i was living with the thought in my mind that he was the only one for me..that no one else could make me feel the way he did, and that feeling stayed with me up until about the time school started back up..but even just a little bit after.

But I'm happy now to say that i love where me and him are right now. We're back to being best friends and he is just as amazing as i remember. I love talking to him and being with him, he makes me laugh and i really love that. i know this is cliche, but he has shaped me into who i am today..with the help of some others. i hope he knows he means alot to me.

it felt like forever before those feelings for that kid left me but hey, it happened...i thank 'him' for doing that for me. yea yea i found a guy to..well, like. (though i am very doubtful that he would ever feel what i feel back) there were many guys who i seemed to have "liked" but nothing extraordinarily big...none of them were anything i wanted to pursue...but then this boy came along...but i wont go into detail..sorry ;)

Oh, i forgot to mention that i lost a lot of people back in the year. how depressing right? Two of my very best friends actually..one, whom I'd been friends with since back in elementary. it was really stressful and dramatic but things changed. he changed. but I'm not here to tell you a sob story..I'll just keep it at this...him and i were close, then he started getting into other things and we have completely become different people. but I'm okay with it..i don't think about it much.

Anyways, Sophomore year is a very 'new' thing to me. School is harder, people have changed dramatically, and well..its just not all that great. but I'm not here to complain either, a lot of wonderful things happened. I've learned a lot from the people and things around me. All the hurt has made me much stronger...but im not gunna go all deep on ya.

ohoh BUT i can't forget that i have also met some really wonderful people that are now what i call my best friends :) they are sososo wonderful and i really feel blessed to have them. i hope they know that i love them dearly.

The new year didn't happen as i thought it would. I pictured well...a picture perfect beginning. But it wasn't like that. it was just another ordinary night spent with the people i love. and i can't say that this year has been anything like I'd hoped it would be..so far all I've been feelings is anxious and wanting something new..but you know what? I'm okay with waiting. nothing good comes easy..and I'm looking for something great :)

On another note, i've made a few resolutions.
1) Read the bible.
2) Be a better person. real original right?
3) Appreciate the people and things i have a little more. They deserve it.

ohoh and get my license.. along with a car! oh life shall be good!