My baby

brought me starbucks before he went to his grandma's
he took me to dinner on our anniversary
he payed
he spent the day with me
he kissed me with a little more meaning than usual

im so in love with everything you do :)
and believe me, none of it goes unappreciated

looking at you i know what im here for. i can smile and it feels so good.
i feel sorry for everyone else who doesnt have a boyfriend like you, cuz you're perrrfect!!

after nine months, i cant believe i still have the same feelings and more! we've grown so much, gotn through so much, and are still the strongest. i know we used to be inseperable, but i think we've matured. at least thats what im going to call it. it makes me a ppreciate time with you more. and i hope its the same for you

i love you with all my heart!!

Nine months :)

i love you hunny

forever n ever :]

My four days of Christmas

Christmas was so wonderful :)

im so thankful for everyone!
kyle, your present was sweet, it really was.
the fam, nothings better than time with you guys
friends, you know me so well, im so glad i have you guys. dinner was so fun and exchanging gifts was actually just as "precious" as Yvonne said. haha xD

i cant wait for the new year!
im learning to love, enjoy, and be grateful for what i've got
God is making me stronger everyday.

giving up on you

cuz u gave up on me.

its sad the things i hear you know? well for now, im going to let you go because you make me sad, you've always made me feel like a bad person, and i dont need your drama. i know i said id always love you, and no matter what...but its now come to the point where i have let you walk all over me. i tryed to be your friend...and you know i cared so much about you. i guess you threw that all away. i dont need someone who pushes me to the side. i dont need someone who i put so much effort into and they throw it in my face. im pretty sure i deserve better. if maybe you decide you miss me, like i've missed you for so long...maybe i'll run back to you. but i dont know right now. you've hurt me alot these past years. im just done...

holding back

the tears
i dont know what to do or say anymore

well here they come...

are you keeping her off your tongue to hide her, or to save me from the sadness you know i'll get from hearing it?
well its hurts worse that you havent even told me
so much for putting my trust back in you

Snow day!

so last week and this whole weekend everyone was talking and praying for snow. and of course i thought it would be cool to extend the long weekend..but i dont usually get my hopes up for snow.

so anyways i went to bed early last and then woke up at 2 am to my phone rigning. what could my sister want this early?? i didn't pick up fast enough but she left a message saying it was snowing. i looked outside and bam! white :) i had a bunch of texts too. i guess it had been snowing for a while..i was just passed out. haha, so pretty much no school! woo hoo!

11 ish i went over to angelas and we just chilled for a lil. after a while we went to get a movie and eat. the roades were really icy n scary :p

brit picked us up and we bot cookie dough n made cookies at her house. we watched step brothers n it was funnyyy.

now im home..thinkin we will prolly have a delay tomorrow. which is cool too.

winter break is in a wk. yay :)

Superhuman

Weak. I have been crying and crying for weeks. How'd I survive when I can barely speak. Barely eat, On my knees

But that's the moment u came to me. I don't know what your love has done to me. Think I'm invincible. I see though the me I used to be

You changed my whole life. Don't know what your doing to me with your love. I'm feeling all super human, you did that to me. A super human heart beats in me. Nothing can stop me here with you. Super human. Ifeel so superhuman. Super human

Strong. Since I've been flying and righting the wrongs. Feels almost like I've had it all along. And I can see tomorrow

Where every problem is gone because. I flew everywhere with love inside of me. It's unbelievable to see how love can set me free

You changed my whole life. Don't know what your doing to me with your love. I'm feeling all super human, you did that to me. A super human heart beats in me. Nothing can stop me here with you. Super human. I feel so superhuman. Super human

It's not a bird, not a plane. It's my heart and it's going, gone away. My only weakness is you. Only reason is you. Every minute with you. I can feel like I can do anything. Going going, I'm gone away in love

God

I feel so distant from you. I've been caught up in life...so many things going on. The only time i find for you is before i go to bed. i pray to you. do you hear me? i know you see my troubles...do you think im weak? well i believe i am. i've never been strong enough...i need something more.

please come back into my life.

All it takes

is a little effort

so glad your mine

<3

Breathe

IN

When feelings of emptiness and sadness become usual feelings. When feelings of heart ache and tears come at you more than they unusually do. When feelings of confusion and longing wont stop.

Lately, i dont know what to do. because the thought of losing you has crossed my mind more than it should. my heart feels empty like your not here with me. like you've let me go already. as if our time has arrived. like i mean less to you than i used to. i thought all my tears had been cried...that i was stronger than to cry. but truth is it hurts so bad to imagine myself without you. suddenly you dont need me. and suddenly i dont feel like we complete eachother. you comeplete me..but i dont complete you. i think of all my other broken relationships and think that could never be you and me. but i probably never saw me and those other guys being apart. and it puts reality in front of me... that i've been hurt before, and that things like that can happen to me. that my heart will and can be broken at any chance. I don't want to see you a month from now and pretend like there was nothing there between us. because i've never felt love like i have with you. i've never felt so real with someone. if there is one person i've grown with its been you. i;ve learned so much from being with you. living life with you. i want to go back to summer when i felt we were the strongest. when we were best friends and i felt i was put first before anything. that top of the world feeling i felt everyday. i hate to think im drifting..and i hate to think after me someone new will come. and as i swollow my words the tears in my eyes come. losing you will be it for me.


AND OUT

Update

I havn't posted in a long time. I've been coming to blogspot but just never clicking the "new blog" button. maybe i've just been lazy.

Tonight was really relaxing, but its been going by slow. I did't have alot of homework so i've just been chillen. Listening to "the greatest" on repeat. along with "you dont know me".

The new term started last week. It kind of spontanious when i signed up for drawing and painting 2. keaton had it so i thot i'd join i guess. i like it so far. it goes by super fast and im not just wasting an hour of my life sitting like i usualy did during my free second. Plus its nice to have a few friends to talk to. I'm not very talented at painting and stuff but who cares really. least im getn some art credits.

I'm really tired today. We had 0 period and a poetry test thingy. i think i did good, but im not sure cuz Land grades pretty hard. least i think so cuz im usually good at writing papers but my last one i got a low b. on the other hand i got 50/50 on my econ paper. im happy about it but i could have done better. i just am really mad with word limits.

Monday our video for lit is due. my group did all the filming tuesday after school and it only took little over an hour. i think it turned out good, but i havnt seen it yet. i prolly look like a freak in it. oh well. i hope we get a good grade.

the last two weeks at work havnt been good. i've been negative in apps and therefore havnt been gettings lots of hours. but this past week was a good one and so im positive 2. which is awesome becuase im never been over my goal, and plus im gettin extra money. next week i work 18 hours and im totaly happy. minus how half those hours are in tools. rawr.

so i calculated today (out of my total bordom) that i've made very close to 2000 since summer started and i have only saved about 150. like what the heck did i do with all of it? beats me...i really gotta stop sepnding so much so i can buy that dan car. oh, and gas decreasing daily. after school it was $1.99 at a.m p.m. insanity i know.

but anyways i get paid tonight, prolly 200. or somewhere around there. i love when i get paid :)

come to think of it i havnt had much hw this week. monday night i worked and went to taco bell with Kevin. fun stuff :p after that i went home and studied a little. tuesday i did my film and went home around 7 and did math i think. yesterday had history and read for econ, today i did math and studied for econ. tomorrow is friday :) i thot this week would be hectic but it was actually really nice. and i've been understanding the math so thats a plus. i usualy dont do the hw at home but i have been

well, im pretty sure i should atleast look over my math now and study for the quiz tomorrow.

bye :)

Election Day 08

McCain vs Obama?

haha bitches Obama killed the vote!

new prez
cant wait for some change :)

Halloween

Grapes, Grilled Cheese, and Pepsi

NUF SAID :]

Homecoming

= perfect

:)

I'm affraid of her

I see her and i think to myself...why does she have to be SO pretty? Every single guy's 'dream girl'. The girl with the perfect body, pretty face, 'innocence'. simply the most gorgeous girl ive ever seen...I CANT STAND IT.

everything about her is just...perfect...and im not usually a person with jealousy issues... but you have to understand that when it comes to her, i know she is in every way better than me.

and it makes me so hurt inside when i see you laughing, and smiling with her. finding you associating with her makes my stomache tight, my heart drop, and my confidence level simmer to a halt. and then there are the things i 'hear'

and i know you dont know i know, but i do and that's the worst thing. AND THAT YOU LIED. that gets to me. why couldnt u tell me? were you affraid of the truth? i dont know anymore, but if i lose you to her it wont be a surprise.

i want to know that im the only one...that you dont and will never ever again have those feelings for her again. cuz there cannot be a you and me if she is standing in the middle of us. im sick of being taunted by other people.

i want the truth, but im too affraid of it.

so here i am.

but please dont confront me.

Woot

i got my dress and shirt in the mail yesterday :D
they are both soooooooo cute
im extremely happy

yay :)

Yay!

I got paid on friday!! :D 255 babayy. the only downfall is that i already spend like half of it. or more. lol. hc is coming up! i bot a dress online...i hope its cute and fits. im kinda nervous. rawr. but im totaly excited to go! like i just know it will be great.

this wk is so weird. 3 half days. woahh. its been very unstressful n nice.

on sunday i woke up at like 7 to go to a meeting at work. it was the worst meeting ever. they all made me feel so retarded. so i stepped up my game monday night at work n finaly got a credit app and a pa :]] yaya im proud of myself. i hope i stay positive, cuz i dont want them to hate me. i hope i get used to everything also, it still feels a little new. oh and my paycheck wont be as good next week cuz im workin half of what i did.

oh and did i mention working tools is the worst thing ever?
ya it sucks

anyways, today was good. hung out wif kyle :] love you dearrr
almost 7 months!
hehe

okay im done!

Excitment

i feel so excited
im not sure why or what for
but i just feel like good things are ahead of me.

i think im on the right track with school.
im getting things done
and trying to understand everything.

me and kyle are perfect
its been six months
and we are still going strong
i love you baby :]

my confidence levels seem to be rising.
this year is going good
possibly, junior year may be my favorite one in high school

What the fuck

are you serious?
sometimes i wonder what the hell you think you're doing
do u not understand the concept of appreciation?
you'll regret that someday, i promise
i've learned my lessons the hard way.

all i can say is that don't come at me with your empty apologies.
they don't mean much after a while.

Getting

Stronger

I think :)

Break down

im extremely stressed out :( and i guess this is personal, not something i like talking about, and i dont do often..buts its genuinely making my heart heavy. do u want to know how much i envy almost everyone? or better yet..how much i envy other families? u know..the ones that are more well of than mine..i mean my whole life i've been 'middle class' but honestly..now..and probably for the last few years, it has been worse than that. financialy, my family is doing so bad. it made me so sad when my mom said she was thinking of filing bankruptcy in august, saying that was the only thing she could do...it kind of brought to my eyes the reality of all this. i knew she was having trouble with bills...way too much charges on her cards...but it has goten so bad that she needs to file bankruptcy? i know i shouldn't talk about it, cuz she told me not to...but its so stressful for me. it has even goten down to eat, or not? i literaly dont eat at home anymore..there actualy isn't food to eat. and that sounds so pathetic...but we simply cant 'afford' it. i wonder does anyone else know that feeling? i never used to worry about having food.. i shouldn't have to right? i seem to always be hungry...i ask my dad or mom to buy something..they tell me to buy it with my money cuz they don't have the money. and thats embarrasing. i dont get money from my parents like most kids...school fees, clothes, random stuff..everything..is paid from my pocket. which i don't mind really, but im just scared for my parents and my overall well being. i want to do the full IB and i believe it will make my future better, but $400 in the next few weeks? idk if ill get that in my pay check. i defenetly wont be getting any help from my parents..i'd love to know for one day how it feels to go to ur mom or dad, and say "hey, can i have ten bucks" and not feel the biggest form of guilt out there. i simply just dont do it. i wouldnt even think to do it, cuz i know they dont have ten dollars to just give me. something u can get with no hesitation..is something that i couldnt imagine asking for. and i dont think anyone will understand that. i guess i dont really want anyone to..nor do i even want people to know..but its actualy effecting me emotionaly.

Listen to your heart

Last night was pretty fun. Me angela and Jimmy went to the game and i haed a better time than i thot i would :) We lost but watevr.. After the game we went to the dance. it wasn't bad, but it wasn't as good as last year. i mean its cool when guys try to rape u n all...buuut i rather just dance with my friends :) After the dance me and angela went back to her house. what a night..and followed by the worst dream ever..

Hello time

WHAT?? its been a few weeks now...time is flying. i got the job at sears, so i've been all tied up in that stuff lately. tomorrow i have a drug test and depending on when they get the results, thats when i can start...

projects are coming at me left and right and im trying to be very careful with my time. im successful so far. im trying to finish things early, so i dont have to worry about them later. GOD ITS ONLY WEDNESDAY. today i got a debit card.

i also found that history is a bitch. i have so much homework for it...

5 minutes ago i realized how lucky i am to be happy right now. alot of people are content, but not really happy. like i am. school can be stressful but with my outside of school life, it balances out. im so happy i got a job, even though im nervous as to how much TIME its going to take up, and im so happy that i have the love of my life, kyle :) i love u dear. UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

i need to be doing history right now.
ill post later

bye : )

New things

So...school is in seshhh. We started friday. Me n jim didn't have a zero period so while angela was in hers we went n decorated her room with our presents :) happy 15th!! it looked totaly cute. plus our mini cupcakes we super cute too :D

School was cool i guess. My ihs classes are so different..morning is def. gunna take a while to get used to. fst is so boring...but good thing i have it with jimmy. it hasn't been hard yet, but im sure it'll get there.

Friday night i hung out with Angela and Jimmy. I was supposed to have an interview at sears at 6 but they cancled n rescedualed for Saturday. Nick and Kyle came over at like 9 and we all just hung out. I stayed the night for the first time in months...the next morning we ate cheescake and then i went home to get ready for my interview. im guessing it went well since im schedualed a 2nd interview this coming up friday.

Angela made me buy new boots......

Sunday i spent with kyle..well kinda. for like 3 hrs :/ i got off work at 3 then went home at 6. it was stupid. school really likes to ruin things....

Yesterday was the first day of zero period. waking up that early doesn't feel right. haha. i have a free 2nd and I T.A. third period. its pretty layed back..but i still wish i took ceramics.

Im frantic about community service hrs and i really hope i start doing them soon..this year is already scaring me.

i cant wait for two things:
a job
and my car :]]

>:|

happy first day of school.

Wrapping things up

Its the end of August. Heading into September. i would put a smiley after that but it isn't making me happy.

Im nervous. I got put on a list to switch my ihs classes. but havnt got any info on that actually happening. I still have yet to fill in my 3rd or 2nd. and i havnt done any community service..im so hopeless. and lazy! damn procrastinating.

yesterday was me nad kyles fifth month :) we went to ihop n it was yummyyy. it seems longer than just 5, but seriously these have been the best months of my life. i love you kyle, alot :]]

I also bot the black vans ive been wanting forever! they are way cute, but were 40 bucks :/ i only have 200 left >:| grr.

OH! i got my license =) first try baby! hehe. but it wasn't easy.. it was a disaster actually. I have only been driving for 2 months so im not totaly the best at parking...actualy im not very good at all. So that was the first thing they had me do..and i backed up into the cone! damn..but i do think i did fine for the rest of the test. i ened up wit ha 75 :P

i don't get my car yet, and i can only drive it to work. very ghetto..ive been looking for a job, but no luck. i need money!!

anywho..thats it for now :)

heavy heart

i remember the beginning. when you and i both thought that we were perfect. when we truly believed nothing could phase us. those feelings seem so far away. for a while now i've felt unbelievably sad, and alone. like you arent there for me. its the scariest thing in the world knowing that your best friend is slipping right from your finger tips. what happened to the loving, generous, guy i thought you were? lately i just feel like you dont care. you dont try. i even try to talk through it but i end up in the same position...sad. i dont now what your love has done to me. this was what i was affraid of. puting my whole world into someone elses hands and them forgetting that you even exsist. i used to feel on top of the world. now i feel i cant get any lower. i found myself crying today. i told myself i wouldn't let another guy steal my heart and break it. that i would look out for myself, and never stop standing on two feet. but i guess i thought you might be different. i knew you were. you had to be. how could someone so wonderful end up being another asshole. i know you must be thinking, what could i have possibly done? well maybe its what you dont do. cuz i try and i try. and i don't even feel like you see it. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like now we, or you just wont have time for me anymore. and its understandable. but i dont think i cant deal with 'sometimes happy'

Woke up this morning and saw your face
And you didn't look the same as yesterday.
I got the feeling that you can't seem to see,
What you want to be.
And lately it ain't been the same at all.
When you're here its like I'm invisable
I still can't seem to see where I went wrong.
Cuz I'm feeling

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin` my love for granted, babe.
I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
and lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

Lately our house is not a home
You come in, take a shower and then say I'm gone.
what am I to do
When my heart says leave
But my feet won't move
and today is our anniversary
But you haven't even say two words to me
I'm trying hard to give you another chance
But baby I'm feeling

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin` my love for granted, babe.
I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
and lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

Oh when I first met you
I thought you was the most perfect man
That I ever seen
I still don't understand why
You treat me like you do
I use to give into your lust
Now I see the truth
Oh no I don't want to hear it all through
Yea I know I'll still be missing you
But it's not worth the pain
That came from you
You made me feel
unappreciated

Moving along

Time is going by so fast :/ its a scary thing.

guess its time to update. last weekend i was up in Siletz. 200 bucks baby :) kyle is in California right now. we went shopping on tuesday. i spent 130 :/ hah. n the nest day me and angela went to portland. our first stop was sovie island? it was cool. it was a nice river with sand n stuff. i hope we go back. after we went to the Buffalo and i found a cute Nike jacket for 18 :] after we went to washington square. we bot some things at forever and then around 8 we headed for her aunts hosue in Salem. we ate, and then headed home around 10:30. i havnt been getting sleep always having to wake up at 8. but ill cope. yesterday me and jimmy went swimming. it felt incredibly good. after we hung out with nick for a little. later that night aroun 9 we decided to go to eweb. after being there for like 10 min we decided to put on our bathing suits n get in! haha it was fun :)

today im leaving to the coast. be back sunday night!

Sweet 16 ;)

My birthday was so good! awah it was really cute actually. kyle picked me and nick up and on our way to Ariel's Nick insisted that i open my present. I was curious so i opened it. first words out of my mouth, "are you kidding me??" an ipod! :]] he'd been telling me he was going to get one, and i didnt think he would. and he didnt have a job anymore, so i definitely didn't even put that into consideration. but being the amazing person he is, tadaaa. haha. its totally sweet n i love it!! soon enuf we got there and inside was really cute! ariel said she wanted to show me something and so she takes me to the kitchen and then Angela pops up. haha. i thot she went to school but she always knows how to surprise me :pp uhmm then i opened my presents n loved em' allll. :D then we ate my cupcakes and then ate some yummy food that her mother made. afterrr they all had a water fight thingy that i wish i could have joined in on :( oh wellzz. but we got locked out for a good hr and i was upset about that...but i got over it. uhmm later we watched part of step up 2 but then i had to go have some cake with my fammm. it was yummy. after around 10 kyle picked me back up and took me to angelas. i stayed there till about 12. im sad that its over...

Curiosity

Oh it gets the best of us...

the last few days have been good. the day before yesterday me jimmy and nick hung out. well, jimmy went to film for a while actualy. so he dropped me and nick off at the pool. now im kind of awkwardly tan. lol. kyle stopped by to say hi, then me and nick went to vrc and i bot some new shirts. totally exciting. im actually convinced that i've been losing my money...cuz ive been spending 90 a week. its ridiculous. that night i went to eat with kyle and then we sat in his car for like an hour. he left yesterday to Portland :( he eventually left so i went back in and me and nick talked...we were both upset, drama drama drama :p we made milkshakes and then angela left. that night lasted forever. we danced and sang and made vids and all that fun stuff till 4 a.m. i couldnt sleep really, cuz i was terrified that we were all gunna die. lol. i guess i fell asleep sometime after 4 and then got up at 8. it sucked...

after work i went back to jimmy's bros and we took malibu for a walk...we got back and then just layed in bed for like 4 hrs. nick had to go so we dropped him off and me n jim went to his house then ate. nick ended up not going to his bro's party thingy so we picked him up again. we got back to the house and watched t.v. we all wanted to watch a movie so we put in crash. id been dying to see it. it was sooo good, but it made me really mad lol. i decided to stay the night again hoping to actually get sleep tho...we went to bed around 1 and with my luck i like slept on top of my phone and didnt herar my alarm. it was 940 and im like fuckkkk. i called my dad and he was pissed but i wasnt too late. just no more staying the night on work nights. oh well..

im not sure what im doing today yet...im kinda being lazy right now making food and washing my clothes. but it feels good to be doing nothing. i got my new swimsuit in btw. its cute, but a little big...i can still wear it tho. :]

im wayy tired.

oh, its almost my birthday ;)

Really Trying

A couple days ago me n kyle went up to spyglass hill with a blanket and layed up there :) it was really pretty and relaxing. i loved it! Paco came by for a lil too :p after we met up with ang jim n elaina at the pool. it was cold cuz it was like 8 haha.

the next day. total breakdown :/but things are better.

yesterday was amaziiing :]] i met up with angela nick and jimmy and then we went to vri pool. so sweet! we stayed there till about 5. it felt really good and i got tanner woo hoo! after, we went back to angelas and she fell asleep. jim nick n me tried to make 'music' :pp didnt really work tho...angela woke up and we went to tbell. we went back and grabbed our bikes. we rode around Autzen and the trails behind it. Randomly we went to a bmx track or something?? idk it was scary lol. at 9 we rode back, feeling totaly gross.....so we got home and watched p.s. i love you. it was okay...nothing great.

today im hangn with jim n avi :]]

So far

The past week has been really good. I spent the three days that kyle was gone with Nick. First with him and Michael, then him and the gang that night.

The next day (the fourth) we went to angelas, ate, then went swimming. ariel jim nick me and ang. it was really fun...but my swimsuit broke :/ but no worries, i ordered a new one yesterday!
that night we bought food to make at angelas house. it was okay, my mashed potatoes were good tho :] after stuffing ourselves we sat, then went outside to do our fireworks :pp we wanted to go do them somewhere else so we got in the car and drove to spyglass! well...kinda. we layed up on the hill and watched the fireworks from alton baker. it was a really cool view so we are def. going up there again :]] it got done pretty fast so we wanted to find a new place. we went to gilham and they decided to sit on the roof. me and ariel were scared to get up, but we eventually did :pp it was really cool sitting up there. around 11 we came down and went to some church parking lot n did our fireworks. they were fun :p we ate cupcakes... then left. we got back to angelas at like 12 and tried to finish them but some guy came out of his house saying he was trying to sleep >:| so we went inside and they started a movie. me and nick made cookies and right after they were done me and him went to bed. kinda. :p none of us slept well. angela was pissed me and nick were talking. nick was hot. jimmy was cold. ariel was making frog noises. ...i have drooling problems........

;)

i got up ealry the next morning and went home. i met up with nick at his house and we watched Zoolander. it was ghetto. we sat at his house all day..took a nap..killed my phone..ya know. at like 9 i called ariel and then she picked me up. we went to her house and ate :] i was starving. after we played guitar hero and i officially suck! :p we decided to watch a 'mad money' and it was really good, until i fell asleep at the end! how lame. the next morning we ate a yummy breakfast and then we watched mean girls....like my 8th time haha. at 2 i went home to get ready and then kyle got back from the coast and we hung out :]

today i hung out with kyle again, but he had to go to campaigners so now im home.

and done.
ill write later :D

Who we used to be

I miss the days when all we had was eachother. when no one came between us. we are as far away as i knew we'd never be. all of us seem to be going different ways. its a scary reality.

i just need some time with you all. just us. like it used to be. i wish we could all be the same.



i had a good day, but a feeling of unwantedness caused me to take a little over an hour to want to think about things. so i walked home from Nicks. i thought a lot. but im still stuck. all i know is that my feet are def. not gunna feel so good the rest of the night, and i have to walk to work tomorrow. life sucks.



Quote of the Day
"God will always provide"
thanks Nick :)

Ugh..

I know i'm like a broken record, but i miss kyle unbelievably!!! i swear im dieing :[ last night u called and i was so excited but then i got rushed into the theater...i dont think i payed any attention to that stupid movie cuz i was too busy thinking of what a dumbass i was to not take a couple of minutes to talk to you...it had been driving me crazy!! but it was really nice that u did call, like u said u would. it made me so giddy :]] maybe you will again...but cant wait till u get home love!


today actually felt like summer. it was me jim ang n ariel like the old dayz :]] i liked it alot and it felt nice being with all of them again.


oh and i drove on the road for the first time today
xD

Oh shiiit

yesterday was bad...


and i miss you kyle :((

So Here It Goes

SCHOOL IS OUT
hell yes :)

finals were a bitch. the last couple weeks couldn't have been any worse with any more projects. teachers really like to suck. my Spanish final scared the shit out of me, but i got a 90 on it. i was less worried about my bio final, but ended up getting a 85. oh well...i still got pretty good A's in those two classes. in ihs i had high A's. woo hoo! the only thing that im sad about, it having to realize im going to be a junior...someone save me...

the first week of summer was spent with out angela (Mrs. Cancun for a week!) :(( i spent most my time with kyle cuz he left for wildhorse yesterday...im really sad about that...i cant wait till he gets back :]]

yesterday was elaina's birthday. i ate like 8 cupcakes and it made my stomach feelreally gross :p we went to Olive Garden n it was really fun :D later on me jim avi n sonny went to sonny's house and played gestures. it was really really fun! i dominated ;) around 1130 i went home n slept. something i havnt been getting much.

my summer very much consists of work, and hangn out. cant wait till i get paid so i can be..not so efn broke :pp

One Door Closes

and another will open.

these next few weeks are just gunna be a big disaster
but im ready to get it all over with
i need summer

oh, n i got a car :)

BALLIN

No Damn Way

best day ever.
god it was good.

Wink Wink

This weekend was perfect! minus being sick, uck. Jimmy got his lisense ;) i think friday was spent at angelas like always. i went home early and slept early too. i didn't feel very good. Saturday i went to avietas with jimmy and laina and we watched Sweeny todd (sp?) it was pretty good i guess. gory, but interesting. we cheeled there the whole day and i went home early again because im lame and dont have a car like everyone else :[[ ghetto...anyways, Sunday Jim picked me up and we drove to Sunrise n around there for food. We looked around the Market of Choice and found a cool new place to buy candy :pp ahaha. so we stocked up and then went to lainas in coburg. we made lots n lots of snow cones, played Egyptian rat race, and went to the park. i looove coburg. havnt been there since summer i think when me n Michael were close :/ anywho, we ate dinner then watched tv. like at 8:30 we went back to angelas. i was planning on leaving with jim like 12 the latest, but hr after hr it wasnt gunna happen. we eneded up crashing there. they all watched a couple movies and went out for food, but i just stayed there with kyle. perfect night :) at like 3 he went home and me ang n jim stayed up a lil longer and then totaly died. i came home like at 11 this morning and then did lots n lots of hw until like an hr ago. it was gay. but my weekend was good

:)

This Is For Real

i love kyle james dillon :) he is my sweetheart and i love everything about him. he's my baby. my love. my everything. its almost two months hun :] you make me so happy and u are the most amazing thing in my life. i want to be with you every second. don't doubt what i feel for you...cuz what we have is so strong. sometimes i forget what you are to me, but one look in your eyes and im back to being head over heals for the most amazing guy in the world. i want to grow with you, i want to experience life in your arms. i want to get thru the tough stuff, i want to learn to love the flaws. its funny thinking about who we used to be, and who we are now. life is so good with you

love you :]

Still a place for you

right here.

there always has.
there always is.
there always will.

last night

all i did was cry

Scared :(

Right as fourth got out my sister texted me and said her and my brother were at the hospital with with my mom. it was like a sudden stab..it didn't really sink in for the first ten minutes..but i keyed in the fact that my mom said she couldn't use her hand yesterday cuz it was numb, its didn't really mean anything till then. it was so telepathic tho cuz right when i told jimmy she was in the hospital he was like "wait, was her left arm hurting??" and i was like yeah her arm was hurting yesterday but idk which arm and it was just incredibly weird that it was the first thing that came to his mind...anyways he said he'd take me to the hospital but i didnt really want him to so i just went to market of choice with him and angela trying to figure out what i was going to do..instead i kind of just sat there crying because i was scared of what was happening..all i knew was that she was there, and that her whole right side was numb. it scared me half to death cuz it had to be pretty bad if she was at the hospital...my dad doesnt believe in doctors...i got a hold of my aunt and they said they were at Sacred Heart so me and angela got a ride over there. it lightened my mood too see my mom smile when i walked in but they told me all that was up and it made me so sad :( she had a stroke yesterday and that was the problem with her arm..but no one knew..and since she waited till today to go to the hospital, which was mind blowing that she actualy went, it made things worse...if she had waited till tomorrow, which she wanted to do today, she might had never been able to walk again. now that is the scariest thing i have ever had to hear. good thing my brother and sister took her...i dont know what i'd do if that really happened...the doctor said she needs to watch what she eats cuz she has diabetes and keep taking the medicne she stopped using cuz of the price...all of this just sucks because the stuff that should be done cant becuase we don't have the money. and thats just awesome...

i cant keep my eyes from watering :( i jcant stop crying...my grandparents just left, and it was so hard to keep a smile on.

ugh..i have so much to do tonight..oh and thanks angela for being there for me..its nice that atleast someone cared..


God, jsut one wish, make my mom better...thats all i want..

Good Start

So pretty much, May started off wonderfully :) it has been sunny the past week and maybe not my whole weekend, but at least part of it was just good. Saturday i spent with jimmy, laina, n kyle and it was pretty nice. that night nick invited me over so i stayed the night with him n Greg. we didn't fall asleep till 1, n then woke up at eight. srsly my record time n getting ready :pp we left at like 830 n went to breakfast. after, we walked to ebf. it brought a lot of old memories back to me. i liked it a lot. i hope we can do that again. after church i went to angelas and from then on my day was incredibly stressful. blehhh. that night sucked too, spent it all doing my Spanish project.

this week is ok...not lots to do...im excited for summer :]]

Miss You

i can't confront you, you dont understand. i want to talk, but you wont listen. i want you to want me back, but i don't think you care anymore. You've been on my mind for a while..and i thought this would pass...or maybe i havn't given it enough time yet. but i don't want to lose you. i dont know why but today i felt like crying because i miss you. i feel like i messed something up, or did something wrong. i hope i didn't make you mad, or make you think less of me. i want you to know you mean the world to me. i love you like no one knows.

i hope you havn't forgotten about me.

love you.
miss you.

Sometimes I Wish I Were Her

and i hate it.

So yeah..

what is this, like the 2th post of the month?! haha im lame.

last week was stressful, there was a lot to do...and it was the end of the term. but i ended with all A's...over 100% in three of my ihs classed. ballin ;) this week is five thousand times better (minus how its five days) i dont think ive had more than an hour of homework a night. its nice haha. oh and i have a 95 now in espanol! :D lifes good...

mm i dont gots much to say..ariel got her license! ;) hehe.

tomorrow is friday and im excited. fridays my favorite..along with saturdays!

well im dead out of interestingness...prolly wont post for a while...

April Showers

My weekend was so incredibly good. I can't even explain it...Friday had to be the most fun i've had in a while. me kyle angela jimmy elaina ariel and billy all went downtown to eat at Ta Ra Rin. amazing as usual ;) after we ate we just ran around on the parking lot n went to the toy store. we thot itd be cool to buy little parachute guys to throw off but they didn't really work. after sitn in the rain, we went to oakway. that was fun too going upstairs n chillin. jim ang n elaina went back to angelas a little before me kyle ariel n billy while we went to cj's. for some reason i liked just sitn their too... anyways it was just alot of fun to be with all of them and all be getting along :) i hope we do that again. at angelas we tried the Ouija board..but had no luck, i was disappointed..

Saturday started late...considering i didn't get home till 2:30 friday night... :pp but i walked to Kyle's n we just hung out there till we got hungry n went to eat :) after we went to angelas and played some random like dating game online haha nerrrds. but when he left angelas room became like a party er sumfin lol. but we decided to get out the Ouija board again n try it out...it didn't work in angelas room so we moved to Daniel's cuz it had worked in there b4. after a couple minutes it started working and we were actually talking to people! it was the creepiest thing ever.. but they were good spirits. and if u havnt done it for yourself, you probably think im stupid for believing it..but its real..its not like one of us were messing with each other for 2 hrs straight answering questions for everyone..the last spirit we talked to stayed with us for a long time, she was really nice and funny. but anyways it was the most..unreal thing i've ever seen. like i cant explain how weird it was...but yeah i was a little scared to go bed :pp oh and i dont know if i want to do it again...i mean its almost addicting, but i dont want anything bad to happen :/ so yeah..

today me and angela slept in...didn't really get outta bed till like 12 when my stomach started like eating itself cuz it was so hungry :p but yeah we went n got food n a movie n brot it back to her house. we watched Catch n Release'. it was pretty good :) i went home at 3:30 n did my homework and all that other fun stuff.

grr i hate when the weekend ends!
well thats all :)

The Last

The last day of Spring Break. The Last day of March. It's kind of depressing that break went by fast and school is gunna be back! Sheesh it drives me crazy...but i gotta say, im ridiculously happy :]

3.29.08 Probably doesn't mean much to you.

Kyle, you are perfect, you are the perfect best friend, you are the perfect boyfriend. this whole year i felt like i was looking for someone to give my heart to. no one seemed to want it but you. it didn't seem to want anyone but you. you came into my life so quickly, became one of my best friends, and now my boyfriend...you mean a whole lot to me. when i met you, you were just that 'cute boy'... now your so much more. every thing's so ironic with you. It's amazing how im so comfortable around you and how we still act like best friends. i love that so much. i can't get over how wonderful you are. you make me feel like the world, like a princess. you make me so happy. just know that you are it for me. as in, there really is no one else.

<3

Spring Break

Thank God! I don't post anymore...school is hell..im so glad we're out for a week, as short as that is. besides school though, life has been good. really really good.

Im depressed Nick went to Mexico..he sent me a really nice message that almost made me cry tho. lol.

Hmm..i think im going to skinners today...finally. todays like supposed to be the only sunny day this week..really gay.

i really have nothing to say besides that lifes good...and a year ago i was in Cali. oh how i miss it :(

For The Road

People who think they know everything annoy those of us who do.

Think globally, act locally.

Commit random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.

If going to church makes you a Christian, then does going to your garage make you a car?

Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints.

Live simply so that others may simply live.

Whatever you do.. is it necessary truthful and kind?

If we don’t protect freedom of speech, how will we know who the assholes are?

Is that a crucifix In your pocket, or are you just happy to save me?

Marriage is a human right not a heterosexual privilege.

God bless the whole world..no exceptions.

Oops

i made a mistake. i fell for it again. and i can't stop beating myself up for it. just let me be!!
:/

on another note...i had an AMAZING weekend :)

after school Thursday me and kyle went to the park..and when jimmy showed up we had a 'stand on one foot' competition haha it hurt. that night we watched like 3 movies and i stayed the night at angelas. it was a riot ;)

Friday, angela went to do a project and me and jimmy cheeled at her house. i was posed to hang out with jp but he bailed. wat a loser! haha . anyways when ang was done we said, heyy lets go downtown! it was supa fun :D we went to the parking lot building and messed around :p after so we took the bus back to angelas casa and danced in the rain. hehe. and then we went in and watched the rest of 'the shining'. and had a massage train! bahaha.

saturdayy was a lil more lazy :p i stayed home until like 5 doing hw. i always do that on Saturdays tho...anywho me and ariel met jim and elaina downtown and we all went to sushi station, and even tho we planned to go to skiners after wards, we were too cold haha. so we went to cold stone and it was yummy :D we sat at oakway for a while n then nico came ;) we bot bouncy balls and sat outside n you knooo hehe. we sat at bed bath n beyond for a while n then angela called and we went back to her casa. at like 10:30 me n jim walked nick home and then jim went home and i went back to angelas. not much happened after that..

today was really wonderful :]] woke up, took a shower, dropped off elaina and angela, n then went to breakfast. after so yvonne dropped me off at kyles and we didn't do anything spectacular...but it was really nice...i heart that boy ;)

now..im at home. relaxing! i need to finish my interview, but im too lazy. i'll do it tomorrow..even tho i'll prolly have tons. watev. im out for the night.

sweet dreams :)

I Heart Today

because we're best friends


because we're dorks


because we're so alike


because we know how to have fun


because we make massage trains


because we take pictures to remember

Everybody's

gunna hate today! gunna hate tomorrow! gunna hate errr thang

wow...i was pissed off...the WHOLE day. it was really annoying. i hate bio! i hate spanish work! i never want to read again! the damn reading test was endless...but hey i was on the verge of exceeding with a 49 ;) it still sucked every piece of energy out of me tho...id kill myself if i failed and had to take it again.

free fourth wasnt even enuf to cheer me up...but mr powell like canceled the power points so we just gotta print it out n stuff. too bad i took all the notes, made the power point, and now have to finsih it and write out the 'speech' notes. fuck life!

im almost certain mr landis hates me. he seriously just wants me to fail. ughhh test tomorrow...

hey you bitotch...i hate you so fkn much, you prick! maybe its just my jealousy
watevr it is, it doesn't feel good
go away go away go away

gunna go study......

laterrr

Amazing

this weekend was so...great :) im not sure why but it just seemed so fun. friday night was bomb...we laughed sooo hard. those are the kind of nights that i live for. saturday was relaxing, but then i went to angelas ;) i heart that girl. and ariel! basicly, we 3 are perfect. today was just as wonderful as the rest...

7 deadly sins seemed to be the game of the weekend.

im excited for the three day weekend.
im ready to cause a riot : )

im going to bed!
im happy!
good night!

My Beautiful Rescue

I've been jumping from the tops of buildings
For the thrill of the fall ignoring sound advice
And any thought of consequence
My bones have shattered
My pride is shattered
And in the midst of this self inflicted pain
I can see my beautiful rescue

I'm falling more in love with every single word I withhold
I'm falling more in love with every single word you say
I'm falling head over heals for you

I've been dancing on the tops of buildings
At the top of my lungs I'm singing you a song
"Don't you leave me alone"
My bones were shattered
My pride lay shattered
Well I'll trample my pride
Until the whole world dance with me

I'm falling more in love with every single word I'll withhold
I'm falling more in love with every single word you say
I'm falling head over heals for you

Again well I'm crying out,
"wash my hands, these bloody hands, oh open my mouth and I'll sing"

I'm falling more in love with every single word I'll withhold
I'm falling more in love with every single word you say
I'm falling head over heals for you

I've been dancing on the tops of buildings,
With you.

Oh my gosh, yesss

you know what i love about Thursday nights? i can either do my homework, or not...and i did some of mine :) haha mm everyday of this week was stressful minus today. i think i did okay on my spanish test and i finished my lab book. not saying i did all of it right, but ill just pray he doesn't grade hard. 3rd was nice..we didn't do anything..i was mad that i didn't finish ch 6 tho. too many distractions! uhh vb sucks and i want it to die. mrs curtis said she liked my brochure tho :) haha.

im so happy tomorrow is friday! this week went by fast with all the hecticness. glad its over! oh and im scared for nest year. ahhh

i love the weather. sun + rayven = best friends

Dying

save me : (

uhmm good news, power point is monday. other than that life is maintaining lameness.

i read all my january posts after school. it was...weird. brought me back to some old, uh stuff. glad im done with that guy, wat a waste of feelings. thanks for a whole lot of nothin! but don't worry, no hard feelings. movin on : )

lately posts have just been about what i've been doing. nothing interesting. im lacking excitement in my writing. sadness.

oh, and im sorry that i don't seem to care anymore. its just, i dont.

and to you, i don't mean to be such a bitch. thing slip out.

and one more, YOU-- you make a lot of people around you sad. maybe you should think about the things you say and do. i love you though.

so tired.. i fall asleep easliy...
im out <3

Fuck you bitch

errr i hate today >:|
it sucks. it sucks. it sucks
i dont want this week to happen
im not ready
all i've got is complaints
i'd hate the be around me right now
im pissed off man!


night i guess

Cool Dayzz

this weekend is so ghetto...well actualy just my day yesterday. i did nothing. it was lame. but i finished mi tarea :p

me and jim went to see step up 2! and it was amazing. and i want to watch it over and over.

friday was good.

i hate school and i dont wanna go back for 5 damn days : ( i think i might die. i have to make a power point and present it thurs! and i also have a spanish test that day too. and i fkn have a C in the dang class! ugh..and a B in bio. it sucks. bio is so gay and boring..but i srsly dont have hw anymore haha. oh not to mention my brochure is due thursday also. wth man!

anyways..i feel sick..well i am..but sick as in im about to puke! i feel like all i eat is candy :p and being on my period doesn't help anything!! yeah too much info i kno. :p

ugh i heart life

Musica : )

Part 2

i've been sick : ( i havnt been in the mood for posting...but uh yeah i'll finish up my weekend.

so Sunday i met up with jimmy and we made cup cakes for avieta :) around 3 we went to the mall to meet up with her juli and emilee but eneded up being there for no longer then ten minutes. haha. for some reason after that is kind of a blurr...but eventualy we picked some people up and went back to her house. after some people came over and avi came home we took a limo to her restaurant. we snuck toyoe in and it was kinda funny :p id never been in a limo before, and it's kind of over rated. 300 bucks for something not even that cool? yeaaah..hah

so we ate...it was delicious. thai is my fav :]] it was kind of an endless dinner, it just kept comin! mm after we were all stuffed everyone took one of avi's balloons n decided to suck up all that helium n sound like chip munks :p bahaha. how entertaining...mm we all got up thinkin we were gunna go but HOLD ON! cake ; ) we were all standin around avi not really feelin eatn anything more...than juli dips her finger in the strawberry stuff on top of the cake...us thinking she was just gunnna try a bit of it...but then wipes it on avietas face...dun dun dun...and thats when it all started...apparently avieta got a nice hand full of cake in her hand and said to juli "you better clean this off my face!" so juli comes over to avieta n well, she got her good : ) at this time me and angela were already on the other side of the room hoping we wouldn't get cake all over us. some other people decided to play along and it was funny to watch, but everyone eventually got awkwardly mad at each other...avi's little cousin got a cup cake shoved in his face and went black on San's ass! bahaha that was kind of scary :p

after all that akward tension, everyone got back in the limo and off to walmart! haha how ghetto...not going into much detail we went there, then went back to avietas. we chilled there for a while but then we decided to get up n go to skinners. i wasn't really up for being up there in the dark but ionno they all thought itd be fun. we got there and we all got out of the cars and started walking up...i got freaked out cuz of San's dumb clown story so me and him followed juli and angela back to the car. he got a good scare out of me before i got back in the car tho :p everyone else came back n then we went back to walmart.... ; ) we sat there forever waiting for sunny n avi but sooner or later we left. some good times after words but yeaaaah lolzz

when we got back to avietas she went with sunny to drop some people off so me emille jimmy bryant and San sat in the kitchen and played the laughing game. i lost. a lot. haha that was fun tho :) after so long they came back home and we all went to bed like at 3 or something. i didn't sleep due to some extreme snoring. damn : p

so monday i didn't do a whole lot but chill with avi bryant and kyle. we went bowling...and i did better than i ever have : ) 110 ten baby! haha

mm thats all for tonight. im still sick...ergg how annoying.

Part 1

Friday-- kay so that wasn't that great...but hey, we need to get out of the habbit of sitting and doing nothing, as enjoyable as that can be. we are lazy asses! mm well i got home slightly early and went to bed around 8:30...

Saturday-- hellza good day. jimmy met me at my house and then we met up with kyle and we went downtown. we went to Buffalo and just walked around for a while. we went to American Apparel n then jimmy took us to the UO business building..? ionno but we went inside and it was really cool. they had really cool chairs and it was just really nice in there :]] we sat there for a good thirty min and decided to get up n go. we took the bus back to eugene station n then went to 5th street, n then to alton baker. it was extremely cold i might add. after the park we walked to borders n got warm..and then i went home! and went to bed at like 9:30 bahaha..

and i'll write about the rest of my weekend later :) im tired and i gotta call some people's back!

Back in the Day

my mom liked to dress me in my brothers clothes..

fatty cheeks...

i eat shoe : )

notice the fat rolls? bahaha

: )

Just for a good laugh : )

Valentines Day!

Gahh, i love valentines day :]] and for all you people who say you hate it, its only cuz you need to get urself a valentine hehe. but for real, jimmy was my sexy valentine and i made him a cake! and i also made kyle one ;) they were nummy...but ariel made cup cakes and so did angela..so we were kinda 'fun-fettied' out bahaha.

oh and for Jimmy's sake, cuz EVERYONE must know, HE MADE ME A SUPER CUTE CARD!



eh?! eh?! lolz.

oh n ariel gave me a balloon..it was..HAWT : ) after school me and angela and jimmy went to Ta Ra Rin n it was fab. jimmy payed ;) and that right there is what is so great about having a valentine...hehe just kidding i love him lots.



arnt we cute? : )

i havn't posted for the past two days bcuz i have been hella lazy...and i have just decided to not post everyday cuz thats a borfest and frankly, no one even cares! so yeah : )

im really tired. i need sleep! aghh i suck...

I Love

sitting doing nothing : ) i had a few things to do tonight but it took me maybe like an hour. i love life...hehe

today kind of sucked though...first period i realized im going to have to try really hard to get an A. my teacher grades really hard...shit ya kno? 2nd wasn't bad i just wasn't up for doing the lab...3rd was gayyy. had to write an in class essay...i kind of bsed it. oh well, i wasn't in the mood to write about oil....

but nothing makes me more happy than my free fourth :]] i didn't get anything done but whatever, not like i had alot of homework. yay me! mm i went to jimm'y after school. i would like to put it out there that he will always be my favorite :) nuf said!

oh, i took some old albums out of my attic today for espanol hehe. it was entertaining...god i was a fat lil kid lolz

thats all!

Sundays Should Die

i swear sundays are out to get me. bad things always happen...it's probably bcuz everyone is in a bad mood cuz the next day is school..or maybe not...anywho, i had a really depressing day...i was just really pissed of butf it was good? haha..

i came over to angelas like at 12 and we sat, a lot. at 2 she went to fan dance and me and jimmy watched britney spears music videos for like an hour but b.le came over and we went to vrc. we didn't do a whole lot, but it was enjoyable : )

i came home at 6 and did hw..it was really cool..? not much tonight either..

i kind of didn't post friday...ill make up for it later? ionno...im lazy and i want to talk to someone...mm yeah..

im still pissed that i didn't go the dance. rawr.

oh yeah, me and jimmy also found this :p



bahaha

So Cool...

what a fkn waste of my damn Saturday night! errg it makes me soo mad...i wanted to go to the dance so bad...seriously, it would have been so fun, but noooo. no one would go with me! eff you all :( i had been looking forward to it for so long...god damn.

on a happier note, i had a wonderful day. i stayed the night at angelas without meaning to cuz i was supposed to get a ride home but we both fell asleep at 11...bahaha we're so lame..but anywho i was too lazy to go home so i got ready there and then we went to starbucks. after that we had to kill some time before the bus came so we went to borders...we kind of got side tracked (for almost 3 hours) reading this book...i wont go into detail about it but lets just say it was interesting :p at like 4 we went to Jimmy's and then Kyle came over.

up until about 8:30 (when i got home) i was happy. no im just pissed off...i love wasting my night when i could be at a dance! rawr....

Lately..

I've been keeping to myself. i feel like instead of letting everyone around me know, not updating them about everything benefits me. I've learned to keep some things to myself because some people just don't understand and they tend to bring me down. they feel that i need their imput, that i don't know how to do things by myself. but hi, i am capable.

feel lucky if you are one of the people i tell everything too...cuz there is maybe one person that knows most if not all... it's not that i don't want the rest of yall to know, or that i don't trust you, its just i feel that you simply don't need to know. but don't take it personal. truthfully, it feels better this way...i guess i don't really like everyone knowing about some stuff...it just furthermore complicates it. i don't need complication.

right now, i feel so unbelievable. things are going so good. i want to stay in these moments forever. seriously, a new start was what i needed. i felt trapt, stuck, unable to fix myself. but I'm putting myself back together. I'm glad a lot of my stress has been taken off my shoulders. I'm feeling better lately. i think it's because I've learned a few things about those who surround me.


i didn't have much hw tonight...actually i haven't all week. i absolutely love it. this is what i neeeed : )

Back In July

i wrote this...

Have you ever thought to yourself about what this world is here for? The reasons? Well, my whole life i've been raised to believe in God. When i was younger i would go to church every Sunday. it wasn't really my choice but im glad i went.

i wouldn't say that im religious or anything, but i envy those who are..well to an extent.. i think its amazing as to how much faith a person can have in something that is so unexplainable.

As i got older, i realized how my extended family forced Christianity on me. They deliberately taught me that it was the only 'right' religion. They tried to get it into my head that every other belief was wrong...that those who didn't believe the same were well, bad. I think thats what caused me to rebel from that religion so much. they were so narrow minded and frankly i cant stand people like that.

I dont like it when people think what they belief is "right" or the only thing you should believe. actualy i take that back, i dont think its okay to go around telling everyone else what they think to be right is wrong.

I myself, was baptized a catholic like my mom. she has never forced me to believe anything but she did teach me that i should treat people right. you get what you give and karma is the real deal.

I'll admit, i have my doubts about many things, and i have not yet formed all my beliefs. I believe in God, yeah..but i'll also admit that i dont have that strong of faith. And I guess that that is what Christianity is based on. FAITH. sometime during my lifetime id like to read the bible and become a little more familiar with God because I love knowing about different religions. Personaly, Shintoism is a lot of fun to learn about. It all about like moving up in the world through how you live your life. thats what makes me so interested in it.

I believe many things and disagree with a lot of things too so I don't put myself into one religion.

I pray every. i think sometimes that God has planned out everyone's lives and things are 'fate'..but then again i also think that you make your fate..that you can make your life into whatever you want it to be. you are given a choice sumtimes... sumtimes between right and wrong, and sometimes you will do the right thing, and other times you wont. i believe that you cant just sin and God will forgive you. that mistakes are mistakes but they are no longer once you've made them countless times. sorry just doesn't cut it after so long.

something i have never understood is that many claim you be Christian…That they have dedicated their life to the lord, but yet fail to act in a selfless respectable manor. Shouldn't you treat people with respect? Should you put other people down? Should you say that your belief is the only right one out there? I think that being a good person has alot to do with religion. For me, being the best person i can be is proving to God that im trying my best to make this a better place. that i plan on leaving this world knowing i made a difference.

Giving; a way to prove that you care for others. Puting others before yourself; proves selflessness. that you don't only care about yourself. truthfully, i think everyone who thinks they are 'religious' should take another look at them selves. Who are you fooling? No one but yourself. (but major props to those who actually do as they say and ARE what they say)

I've decided that I don't really believe in a hell. That where you go in your after life depends on how you spent your life before. If you were a good person then you will be reincarnated into something better, and the other way around.

to be honest, i've never really been all that god savvy. but all i can say is that forcing your beliefs on other people isn't right. saying that what you believe is the right way to believe, is just wrong.

for example. gay marriages...whats wrong with it? how in the world are they hurting you and the way you live? how can you keep 2 people in love away from each other? how can you deprive someone of who they love? it's selfish to take they're right to love another person away from them. think about it... let people be. you have freedom to believe what you want but you don't have the right to FORCE people to believe it along with you.

now...
i can't say i agree 100% with all that i used to say...but most of it has stayed with me...


i was feeling kind of lost, so i asked what i should do...and all he said was that all i could do was pray...so i did. and thats what i will keep doing. i realized that i really do want to become closer with God, but i just don't know how. i want to have unconditional faith. i want to know he is out there. i want to know that if i ask for help, he will give me the chance to see what i can do to fix the problem. i dont want to just believe in him, i want to know he is there. i need that in my life. i've been lacking faith and that's not something i want to say. i've always said that i believed in him, but i dont really have any reason...all i could ever say was that it was just what i believed. i don't want to say that anymore.

i see that my thoughts have grown since the last time i've touched on this subject. but im still at the point where i not yet want to put myself in any labeled religion because i feel like i agree with many different beliefs and putting myself in one makes me feel obligation and at this young of an age, thats not something i can do. but i will always know what is best for me and i dont need a religion to tell what those things are.

New Leaf

So im in mad love with the new semester : ) totaly luvin it...

today was really good...didn't get much sleep last night though...kind of a bad-ish night :/ i was really down...not something ill go into detail about but i know its whats best for me. and it will make me happier in the long run. i just hope im making the right decisions. i feel like this is what i need to do.

i really want something real. something that can keep me together instead of tear me apart. i want something that will last and only bring me happiness. and i just feel like if i chase after it now thats not what i will find in the end. some things take time, and this is one of them...but i hope i didn't mess things up.

i havnt been writing much lately...i feel alot has been happening, but i just don't know how to write it down. and thats strange cuz writing comes easily to me. but for now, this is the way it is...

Yay!

im excited for tomorrow :] new classes woo hoo! this semester im going to try really really hard to get all A's. thatd be nice..

mm today was really good...like really good. i love days like these that i get to spend time with these ppls :p im really grateful for them...

this four day weekend has been so good. for real. it was a nice break. one of the best weekends in a real long time. i want it to last longer :[[ oh well...

well i need to go to my homework...supa fun ;)

Overlooking

everything :/ i don't know why i feel this way, but i can't deny it. im scared of it..more than anything..

it feels like everything is right, but i still want something more...i want to know its for real. at this point i really don't know what i want. nothing seems satisfying. im not ready to move up and on yet cuz im still baring some old feelings. not sure if they really are here to stay. or if they are even still there...

don't get me wrong i am happy...i just tend to look for whats wrong in everything. and for some reason, i feel there is something horribly wrong with this...this isn't what i should be feeling : (

Fer Realz

Se the post before this was just a make up for yesterday...but here's one for today :)

all day i've been layin around at home with jimmy and kyle. very lazy day. very much needed cuz i havn't been getting sleep cuz i've been out the past two nights. very rare thing. i loved today a lot...me and kyle were listening to jimmy's ipod and i found some really old songs i used to listen to. now i keep listening to "hate me" by Blue October and India Arie. reminds me of end of frosh year... mm i love finding old music. its refreshing and reminds me of old memories.

i was talking to my mom yesterday and she said that her and my dad were gunna get a new car and i can buy it from my daddy when i get my license :) it wont be like a spectacular amazing looking car, but it should be good. im real excited to drive. i've been waiting for what seems like forever. ahh!

i'd like to put it out there, that i am by far the happiest i have been this whole sophomore year. things are so good and i'm loving every minute...it took a while to feel this way with all the crap that goes on, but it was worth the wait...you cant appreciate happiness if you don't experience sadness. and i very well had my share...i hope the stress is done with. yay for bio and spanish :]] im so ready...

one more thing, happy February ; ) this month has always been good for me...
plus.. sweethearts are liife :D hehe

I Suck

i didn't post :/

but its okay because i was out yesterday cheeelin with jimmy n kyle ; ) good day...good night...my mom let me stay the night! it was kewl :p mm we stayed up till like 2...i slightly slept...and we ate this morning. so exciting. now we're at my house and im eating again....

i want to go hang out!

Finals

i am SO glad they are over!! oh my goodness..i got 80/100 on my math final...pretty good i guess ;p haha. and im really hoping to end up with an A in chem...but i doubt it, extremely. but in general, today sucked massive balls. im glad its over.

all ive been doing today is watching the janice dickenson modeling angency show. its pretty good and entertaining :]] me and angela and jimmy also decided to start watching lost so we began with that first episode..its alright, nothing great.

now im sitn in angelas room...i wanted to go home but i have no ride. sadness...oh well :) im really hungry...i despretly need food! i havnt eaten much today....

yay for a four day weekend and starting new classes! im excited to hang out with jimmy and kyle tomorrow : )

thats all!

Just One More Day

and life will be good :D finals are killing me...i have probably spent 10 hrs studying..its so stressful. i took the first part of my chem final today...and i got 19/30 not too bad...i guess hah. but i was super excited when i realized i have a 88.1 in the class :] so im really hoping i do super good on tomorrows part two of the test so i can MAYBE end up with an A. id be the happiest kid alive...im mostly freaking out over my math final tho...its 20% of my over all grade...its gunna suck...bahh i dont wanna take it!! oh and not to mention i have to write an essay in 3rd tomorrow...God help me...

aside from my extremely stressful school crap, i've been a happy camper :] things are good. very good actually. i.am.happyyy.

so i totaly had things to say before i started writing. ughh lame.

uhh..there's a 4 day weekend...im excited...and i can't wait for my new, 'not so hard' classes. get rocked ; )

oh, and eff the weather. and 4j whom makes us go to school at normal times!! ghetto beezys...

kay, night : )

M00d Swingzz

kay, so i was very disappointed that there was school. and NO delay either...i was expecting at least a delay. but watev...school was aightt...it lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders knowing my chem review wasn't hw n we didn't have to turn it in. oh and also that my adv. alg. ch 10 test was canceled :]] so first and second were a relief. 3rd pd sucked as usual. we had to write a whole outline and my teacher was being incredibly ridiculous about everything...like always...but i got it done. thank God. i can't believe we had v & b AGAIN. lucky bastards who haven't had it for the past like week! ugh it makes me so mad! that class is getting on my last nerve >:|

once school was out i decided to not go home cuz i didn't have hw besides studying n i thought i could study my chem. with kyle : ) i suppose we got a little bit done...but for some reason, we all had the giggles...or extremely bad case of the " i can't stop laughing's" bahaha :p i dont think i have laughed that hard in my life. my stomach hurt so bad...i was to point where i was at tears. and nothing was really that funny...so i don't know what was up with us...or me for that matter. but can't lie, i had a lot of fun. i love those kids ;)

but wait! thats not all...it totally started snowing! we were all giddy and excited thinking "no school tomorrow!! no finals! woo hoo!!" hah dream on :p it only lasted for like an hour unfortunately...it was totally sticking and everything too...but of course, we'll probably have to go to school all normal n stuff again tomorrow...least i got a free 4th :D for the first time in forever i might add...

so yeah the past like 2 hours i dedicated to studying for my chem. final. it sucked. i read over like 5 billion pages of notes and old work sheets..ugh...im so tired now. i hope i do good tomorrow :/

Unbelievable

no school...no worries :) im praying for another snow day. i'd probably die of happiness...there's nothing i want more than to miss some stupid tests...

today was so unbelievably good. i woke up early and felt so...fresh :)) i hung out with elaina, ang, jimmy and kyle. we watched a couple movies and then just chilled. it was one of the best days i've had for a while...but i'll keep the details to myself ;)

i have come to realize that im not one of those people who are afraid to get things done. that if i want something i'll probably just go for it because i used to be that person too scared because of the feeling of rejection. but i've become something so different than that. and i like it.

as of now, im feelin pretty anxious...not sure if my teachers are going to follow through with everything as planned..i really hope not. and i'm also feeling this thing called anticipation...as in i can't wait to see what happens. babyyy give me watchu got ;)

i was looking though an old journal i used to keep on my page..

"A good relationship means getting through hard times, fighting every once in a while, getting hurt a little along the way, and learning to love the persons flaws. to me, loving someone means wanting to be with that person every minute of your life. not being able to get them off your mind. putting your all into making them happy. never forgetting to let them know how much they mean to you. that's something he'll have to learn. he just doesn't get that its not going to be perfect ALL the time, but the best part is making up cuz then everything is so good. you have to get a hurt a couple times. love doesn't come easy. its something you have to work at, build up...nothing thats worth it ever comes easy. and sometimes it may feel like the only way of fixing things is giving up, but that just proves you're weak. love isn't for the faint of heart."

hmm :)

well my relaxation has ended..i gotta do my v&b hw! shit!

Cross Your Fingers

and pray for snowwww :]] ahh i'd kill for a snow day and not have to go to school! today was so cool...i hope we miss finals and not have to do them...baha keep dreamin..

i def still gotta study hardcore for those...mm i didn't have much hw...its not like i did the math i was assigned anyway...its so damn hard i hate it! but watev only 4 days of the class left :o

anyone wanna bring me candy? or hawaiin time? massive craving for it...not so sure candy is the best thing for me right now tho...had an ass load last night. but its what i do :]]

well thats all for tonight. just thot i'd post again today cuz i missed a day this past week. just trying to keep caught up :p

night :)


GET DISSED!! Update needed..
NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!! :]]

Snow!

Holy cow :p kay so i was just layin in angelas bed this morning like half asleep...and then i get a text from kyle saying "look outside" so i dashed over Angela waking her up, gave her a 'check this out' smile ;) and then opened the blinds. SNOW! she jumped out of bed and seriously just ran around her house and screamed..everyone was pissed but i found it entertaining. bahaha. it was exciting.

so jimmy showed up randomly and then we went outside n well...you know. we made a huge snow man and tye dyed it :D hehe it was sweet. mm we were outside for like an hour er so but then got hungry and came in. now we're watching 'game plan' again. me and Angela watched it last night.

speaking of last night...i came over to angelas about 8 from Kyle's and we sat n ate and well, watched the movie...i fell asleep at like at 1 cuz i was real tired..and yeah. yesterday was good :]]

mm im really happy. like really...lifes good :)

Horay For Sleep!

Wow, i went to bed at 9 last night :]] it felt really good to be able to lay down and forget about everything. knowing you don't have school the next day has to be the best feeling. the thing is, even though i went to bed really early i still got up at 10:30...whats that...like, 13 hrs? bahaha :D well i feel really refreshed and so much better than i've been feeling all week. i can actually function!

my dad started talking to me about Audrey Hepburn like 10 min ago, and even though this sounds so lame, its cool to have a conversation about something you know alot about :) and he seemed really interested in the project for the great minds we just did...he rarely ever talks to me about school stuff. i love it when he makes good conversation with me...i feel 'intellectual' hehe

im making croissants right now..and my dad is making bacon :]] im excited to eat it. nummmy. i hope i don't get hungry today. i always seem to not eat then get massive stomach pains the whole day. i never seem to learn...but it is actually the worst feeling...it just doesn't go away...

mm, so im in a good mood. just thot i'd put that out there...and the reason im writing a blog now is cuz i'll prolly be out all night and not be able to post. wherdo :)

Going Nuts

it's coming back...seriously, i thought this was gone. why is it that just one thing can change my mind for the millionth time. im tired of it! i was ready to start over. forget everything. all this gets me is disappointment. so disappointing...i never had it, at least it never seemed i did...but it makes me want all of it more and more. i was hooked from the beginning...and you know it. i just want this to end. i can't keep going back and forth. this is too good, and i can tell you know what you're doing. my God, take this feeling away...i don't need this :(

i feel really useless right now. its probably from my extreme lack of sleep. staying up till 2 am and then getting up at 6 doesn't do you any good. and then having to go to school yet again with 4 classes. every class dragged on. i'v been tired all day. i've been pissy, and all i want is to lay down and sleep. but i want someone to lay with me and talk. lately i've felt an extreme need for a nice nap with someone. nothing weird..

now that im done complaining...after school me ariel angela jimmy and elaina went to Chuck E Cheese. i felt two, but it was a lot of fun :) i owned at the spiny wheel thingy..totaly won a bunch of ice creams and the bonus 100 tickets :D bahaha it was intense. i hope we do that again cuz it was much more fun than i had expected. i judge things to much..

i think im almost to the point where i can't function normal anymore.

damn those guilty pleasures. they screw us all over

thats all :)

Damn It!!

So im really retarded. i could not figure this thing out last night. hence, the lack of a blog. but i got it now so its all good :)

YESTERDAY...wow bad day. so i came to chemistry, my lab inquiry was due and that was jsut stress enough... come to find out my data book is due! so im rushing to finish that up and then cory tells me there is a quiz! im like "what the hell??" so i bombed it...5 out of 10. but nothing new since i suck i at chemistry...ugh too many surprises for one period...then came second and we got life 5 hundred problems to do for hw cuz we went to watch the teaser..which wasn't very good. i was so bored. third came along and i had to do an Othello skit...i had planned on just wearing some leggings (spandex) but then when it came down to it, i felt really uncomfertable wearing just that...so i talked to mrs. hammons...and she made me do it for extra "costume points" ghetto beezy :p so that went okay i suppose but i didnt fully answer the ending question she gave me..hopefully i still got a good grade. fourth wasn't too bad...just as boring as it usualy is. but then 9 o'clock came around and i stilll had no idea wat to wear for my costume for today and i didnt have an artifact. i was freaking out. but i figured that out too..eventually..

and that brings us to TODAY :) bettter..i suppose..i woke up a little early to get a well..early start. i got dropped off at angelas to see if the skirt would work. and it did (thank God) and then we got to school about 20 till class started. p 1 and 2 were okay. i was happy we had advisory. its always nice have an extra 40 min to sit...our great minds meeting took up 3rd and 4th. it wasn't boring, but it wasn't really fun. my neck hurt by the end...and are skit was kind of embarrassing..oh well.

mmm..now that i've got out all those exciting things that have happened...lets see what else there is to say...uhmmm...im really excited for the new semester...but i've probably said that about 1o times.

me and nick decided that these are cute
1) getting kissed on the forehead
2) kissing someone, then them coming back in for another...and then another

the first one was my idea. and his was the second. but i agree mucho :]] it gives me butterfly's just thinking about it...i want that sosososo bad. but im not exactly dying for a relationship. dont know why....but i still feel like i need to grow up a little. maybe im still to unready for all that stuff that comes along with just mutual feelings. who knows..

Keepin it G

G-unitttt ;) bahaha. idk..

i feel very happy this week. minus how i just spent like 5 hours on a chem. lab thingy. oh well im done now :) im a a bit nervous for my Othello play in lit tomorrow...but kinda excited to dress up as Audrey Hepburn on thurs..she has actually become one of my role models...i admire her alot. But lets not talk about school.

I like my stand point. Thinking about it puts a smile on my face. Im glad i was able to find this feeling. i hope it stays cuz it's nice. i don't really have a ton to say tonight...really tired.

my parents are out of town. and i want someone to chiiil with. come over? please? :p i'd enjoy some company...

i found out some stuff last night and it made me see him in a different way. im not sure if it's to the point where it bothers me though...was he even being truthful?? who knows. but i'd sure like to not see that side of him.

im done. so short. but its all good.

Making Up

for that missed day..yes, its that important..

lets see, i want some sexy abs. knamean? ;)

anywho..

congrats for me who decided to share this with you..yay funny ppl :]]
V

read.laugh.and enjoy! maybe you've heard em' before, but id like to look back on this one day and remember what wonderful laughter this brought me :) a keepsake i suppose.


"One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man…'

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

"I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'"

"I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'"

"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille."

"I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don't have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius."

"I heard this lady say "I love kids." That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying "I like people, for a little while." "How old are you? 14? Fuck off!" You can say "I love kids" as a general statement, that's fine. It's when you get specific that you get in to trouble. "I love twelve-year-olds."

Enlightened

I feel so good..complete..happy. I don't think things could get any better. I started out this school year sad...wanting more...thinking i couldn't ever feel like things were okay again. that i was stuck. i guess it just took a couple things to happen, and for me to realize that life is so good right now. i couldn't ask for more.

i love these kind of mornings where i just sit here and it occurs to me that im lucky. im lucky to have these people in my life. to love and be loved. this kind of happiness is almost unexplainable.

this feeling...you know its real when you find yourself smiling to yourself. you know its real when you realize you don't need a boyfriend to be your pedestal anymore. you know its real when you feel like you are now on solid ground. you know its real when you come home you still feel happy. you know its real when its always on your mind. you know its real when he doesn't have to say it, and you don't either cuz you just know its there. it's something that's better left unsaid.

happiness found me. i didn't find it. it came when i finally decided to let go and let God decide what was next. thanks for showing me that i am stronger than i seem to be sometimes. thanks for helping me forget such heartache. you saved me from myself.

"These Are The Moments" -Edwin McCain
Lying here with you,
Listening to the rain.
Smiling just to see,
The smile upon your face.

And these are the moments,
I thank God that I'm alive.
And these are the moments,
I'll remember all my life.
I've found all I've Waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

Looking in your eyes,
Seeing all I need.
Everything you are,
Is everything to me.

And these are the moments,
I know heaven must exist.
And these are the moments,
I know all I need is this,
I have all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could ask for more than this time with you.
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I've had's come true.
Right here in this moment,
Is right where that I meant to be.
Ohh here with you, here with me.

I could not ask for more than the love you give me,
Cause it's all I've waited for.
And I could not ask for more.

Yesterday and Today

So i missed a day. damn, oh well.

mm well yesterday was fun :) i enjoyed it a lot. i met up with nick at his house and he made me food. it was aiight ;) me n ariel hung out for the first time in so long and it was really nice. me her and nick went to kyle's and we did what we usualy do. nothing to special. but it was a really good day. me and ariel left like at 9 ish n went to her house. we sat and ate with her sisters and it was one of the most entertaining conversations i've had in a while. they're really cute n funny :p

we went to bed pretty early, i really could not keep my eyes open starting at like 10..sadness..hehe. but i text kyle till i fell asleep then woke at like 4 in the morning and saw that he had text me twice. oopsies! i woke up around like 10 and sat and read a magazine until ariel woke up. and she didn't for about an hour.

but to sum up everything b4 we left her house, we sat, talked, and made breakfast. real exciting..hehe.. but i actually had a really good time being with her. i miss spending time with my best friend :]] we left her house like at 4 and went to goodwill...found nothing and then sat at Market of Choice for like an hour. super fun ;) we finally left and she went to meet up with billy and i met up with angela.

me and angela went to eat at burrito boy and then went to old navy, then came back to her house and watched Juno and I am Legend. Both pretty good...but i liked Juno more...it was more the romantic type which i prefer :) it was actually really cute...at the end when Blake..? i think? i cant remember his name for some reason...but when he layed in the hospital bed with her and just held her...it made my heart melt..like unbearably...it made me want that so bad :( not to metion his incredible cute face that me and angela were drooling over... :D def. a good movie. but I am legend on the other hand, not one of my favorites. i felt no emotion while watching it. kind of lame..

now im home...needing to call kyle back btw...which i will soon i promise :]] and im dreding tomorrow becuase i have to work on a project. ughh and then school tues. i have a feeling i am headed for a week of stress..oh joy. once again a boring blog but im half asleep. it'll have to do.

sweet dreams :)

Living For Now

Here's to tonight.. cuz i realized, i don't give a damn! to hell with thinking everything over, analyzing everything before i say and do. i mean screw it, i just want to have fun. all i want is to be happy. and im willing to do whatever it takes to be happy.

im just going for it. i won't be afraid. i won't hold back. i have decided to love the things i do and enjoy every second of this "mess" im making. i don't feel like i have to worry because im doing what makes me feel good and that all that matters..sorry if you don't find that appealing..but really, there's nothing to worry about. mistakes are okay with me...you don't learn unless you make them. but for real, i know what im doing.

truthfully, i have lived so long wondering "what if?" but im tired of that. im tired of the same ol' same. IM GOING TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. and i'd really appreciate it if you let me do that. thanks :) oh, and feel free to contribute...

but back to the real world instead of my thoughts.. i loved tonight so much. it was really perfect. i feel a connection and it comes back every time we're together. it is so stress free...and good :) its making me feel relaxed...and that what i need most right now. i love my friends. they are the most wonderful people out there. i don't care what you have to say because truly, i have never found anyone else more fun and amazing to be around. i couldn't live with out them. i'd spend every minute of my life with them if i could. i'd probably be jealous if i were you ;)

but tonights over. im excited for tomorrow. im ready! im ready!