How It Feels

this might be emotional. deal.

Do you know what it feels like to be completely and utterly stuck? For the past few months thats all i've been feeling. Why has it been so long since I've had a relationship? i think maybe I'm scared, or maybe i'm not ready. Scared because i don't think i could handle getting hurt again. Scared because i don't want to put myself through that. I don't think I'm ready to commit again. I've been so...free. for so long. I'm not sure if i want to feel that obligation again. Or will it not be like that?

Maybe I've changed...maybe I'm not that same 14 year old who is unsure of how to act with a boyfriend..but maybe i haven't and i'm still unable to feel comfortable.

I feel like there is nothing in this world worth countless sleepless nights, invaded thoughts, annoying memories, or a broken heart. Not even the "love" we think we find in someone at this age. are we just setting ourselves up for heart ache? maybe so.

i used to be optimistic about this kind of thing. i used to say that even though we are young, feelings happen and you can't stop them. that if they are there they were meant to be. i used to say "why miss out on something good?" now im questioning my own thoughts. should we put ourselves in positions like these?

if i even wanted to have a relationship with someone, would they want the same things as me? Would i have to sacrifice my morals and beliefs to keep them happy? or would they respect every piece and part of me and not expect me to change?

i want someone who simply believes what i do..so its not complicated. but then again, not many people are like me. i don't need sex to call a relationship real, or even meaningful. i won't give that to you. i want someone who respects that.

im not sure quite yet if im looking for something serious, or something simply.. fun and spontaneous. and i dont mean that as "mess around" cuz im not here for that. i suppose i'm leaning towards the serious factor. but i don't want to give up everything else for them. i want to be with my friends, i want to have a life other than them. not selfish, i just have my priorities. but i also want it to be fun. i want someone im completely me around. someone i'll actually feel okay talking to. i still want those nervous feelings but i want them to be able to cure that when im around them. i want them to know exactly what to say and do. i'm looking for perfection...i want someone who is a mess. i want to be their foundation. i want to feel like i complete them. i want mutual feelings. i dont want to have to wonder if they feel what i feel. i just want something real. something i can hold on to. count on. someone i can run to.

im waiting for that perfect moment. when i find the guy who doesn't play with my feelings. who doesn't see me as an object. but a living breathing human being that has feelings. i want to feel loved. i want a reason to get out of bed in the morning. i want something that makes everything a thousand times better. im looking for something new.

to finish this up a little..."be the one i'm waiting for"
:)